Blogging Vanity

I know I've been quiet for a while. Sorry.
I have a lot of posts floating around my head and not only is it hard to find the time to blog these days, I have to choose which has priority over the others.

This one is going to be a 3 parter methinks.

Blogging Vanity
A new term I have devised. After the recent run ins with Killoggs I realised they Googled me to get to me. I feel it's a tad vain to google yourself or your blog into Google and see what you get. Partnered with doing this in Technorati, sitemeters, blogshares, comment counters and whatever else is out there it all seems people are wrapped up in their blogs in a manner close to obsession.
People are even dreaming about what to post. I take my camera out with me in the hope that something cool will happen and I can blog it (in the meantime I am getting a rad collection of photos).
The level of discussion that goes into blogs is getting a little scary too. The sad part is, it's really only our demographic that is blogging. I've seen the stats. Not many other social groups have the same excitement for blogs as we do. I have to stop and realise that people aren't strange if they have never heard of the term 'blogging'. Because, gee, it's only been around for about , what? -12 years!

Patterned + colourful stockings are foul and an ad is giving me nightmares.

Again, I apologise for these sins before our eyes. This visual abuse. Further to the wedge debate, I have realised the obsession with patterned stockings is one of horror and error. The horror is almost that of that Quit ad for smoking. That woman with mouth cancer is giving me nightmares. If it comes on, I have to leave the room. It reminds me of when I was younger and got scared of scary movies, so I stopped watching them. The other week, some clever person wanted me to watch The Ring with them because it's that scary (in a good way??). They didn't understand when I said no 500 times, that no, I really did not want to watch it and subject myself to it.
This ad is also on so early, around 7pm. Kids have to be getting scared of this. A good tactic I suppose.

Putting this pic here means I won't be coming back to my blog until there are enough posts to get this image off the front page

So the horror of that, links to the horror of stockings. Mismatching is cool is some arenas. But these stockings are just foul. Almost any patterned stocking does not work. The only pair that is almost fine, is the zebra pair. There is nothing more that I can say except that the others just look like mistakes. They are mistakes. Just because you hear some person, or read some article about "what's hot right now" doesn't mean that they are ok to wear.

Microsoft has a stab at their own MP3 player- The Zune
Ok. Big Mistake with that name.

"What is that?"
"Oh that. That's my new Zune"

It just sounds completely wrong. A shocking combination of Zen and iTunes. Good work marketing buffs. You have really nailed this one. Can't wait to see the ads when they come out. What will you choose instead of Jet's Are you gonna be my Girl?
Wolfomother's Mother?

How Jon Hillcock made my day

At work, a few of us have gotten into listening to X-FM.
It airs out of the UK, so when we listen it's from Midnight to 6am.
The DJ- Jon Hillcock plays some pretty good tunes. You should listen.

Anyway, Jon does shout outs if you email him. Eb asked me if I wanted him to do a shout out, of course I say yes.
Then we wait, and I'm getting all excited when it comes to the shout out part and he only mentions Eb!

You know that feeling when you are 100% expecting something to happen and it doesn't? It was like the rug was pulled out from under my feet! I was really disoriented.

I took action- I wrote to all parties involved:

Subject: I lost my thrill from Blueberry Hill

So Eb says to me "You want me to get that guy from X-fm to do shout outs for us?"

And I get all excited and exclaim "Yeah. Yeah! That would be great. Do it."

So she CCs me on this email, then we hear you do shout outs and I'm excited with anticipation and all happy about the music that you play, because, it's just great.
But then all sad that you didn't include me on the shout out with Eb...

Much love,

Sad Wisey.

Then he says: I just got a very funny email from Wisey in Australia. I'll be reading it out after the next song.

Song finishes, he sets up the email then reads it out in this crap Australian accent and then all these people (a total of 4) write in to him telling him he was either crap or good.

Then he was all worried that I may be British!

Who the fuck cares?! Some dude on the other side of the world thinks I'm funny. He dedicated a song to us (Goodbye penny) and my thrill has been found again!

Oh so easy to make me happy!

Over-reacting reactors

wise·crack (w.z'kr'k') Slang
n.

A flippant, typically sardonic remark or retort. See Synonyms at joke.

intr.v. wise'cracked, wise·crack·ing, wise·cracks

To make or utter a wisecrack.

---

wise'crack'er n.

There seems to be some confusion with the terms wisey and wisecrack. If anyone is still struggling, dictionary.com, is a good resource.

Matisyahu last night
This guy is awesome! I was surprised.


Having an excellent vantage point, I managed to take a pic of the set list.


A few thoughts and observations (some funny, some not) went through my mind as the night progressed:

• The show was sold out, I knew the jews would do their bit, I was surprised in the end that they didn't take up the whole room. It almost felt like I was at a Jew party. Each jew checking out the others for fresh meat.
• The look of arrogance on Matisyahu's face when he looked out into the packed crowd, but which I later realised was wrong and was infact an immense sense of pride.
• Tonnes of non jews totally getting into songs about Zion, Jerusalem and Hashem. But really getting into it.
• Why were Chassidic jews there during the 3 weeks? Drinking even. And why was one wearing a zoot suit?
• Why when a Jew gets famous (especially a religious one) is it all on for young and old? I saw my bubbe, your zaide and your cousin's Tatty there. Shloimie's mother was trying to scalp a ticket outside. And they weren't happy, especially your zaide. He had to stand for a full 90 minutes and he wasn't so fond of the Rastaman chant.
• After that beatboxing on Jimmy Kimmel, I was really excited for it. I took a video of the whole thing. It was shit. I'm glad I took a video of something else.

Welcome Killoggers

Hello Killoggers.

So, you've found me.

But, Bendy has known for a while. I'm one of his top 30 referrals methinks. It's pretty strange. Also pretty awkward.

That thing you saw happened a long time ago. I've grown up a lot since then. I'm more confident in my blogging abilities. I'm also not so scared of you guys. I know that you're quite chic-geek-cool over there in your global blogging community and when various losers try to participate and connect with you guys, you shut 'em down. I've seen people do it, I've looked on in horror, knowing what's about to happen.

I don't look at Killoggs as much as I used to. But once upon a time, you were a great source for wierd news and cool shite going on in your lives. I dreamed about being let in, but since then, I've moved on.

I think you've almost become what you despise. The picking on others who are excited enough to just want to participate in a community as virtual and as tight knit as yours... I can't and no I won't be a a part of that.

But, hi. And Bendy, keep up the good work. Marty, Eb, Fern and I are loving them. Even some of the new recruits.

Also, also. Go check out my mog. Great post there from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Pheremones V Allergic Reactions

Well, again it was a great weekend.
I had to do some work on the weekend and I took a laptop home instead of going back into the city. I also managed to hack into someone's wireless network. Even though I have an IT degree, this is no mean feat. Thank you porteusnet in Rose Bay.

As a result, I think the karma leprechaun came to get me and on Monday morning, I had a massive allergic reaction to god knows what. I had to run to the doctor and check I wasn't dying. It was funny, because in the morning I was thinking about my lips v Angelina Jolie's lips. I was thinking how unique hers are and mine are ok, but they could be so much puffier. Then all of a sudden I get a tingly feeling in my lip and it started to puff up. It was only on the left side of the bottom lip and little did I know this was the first sign of the allergy, but I was excited- Mind over body. It works!

Come half an hour later my hands had these wierd swollen white blotches. My legs were covered too. It was itchy and I was in a meeting, which I bolted from. You could see in the picture, the hand on the left is all lumpy. Yum!

It's all gone down now. I'm on cortisone and hard core antihistamines. It will take a while before we pinpoint what the actual cause was. I have a fair idea of what it could be, but nothing like soap or new hand cream or anything like that.

Saturday night was also amusing. Big Happy Birthdays to "she's out of control" Nadine and "starting a new job again" Kate.


I'm not sure if the jacket I was wearing had anything to do with it, but the pheremones were running wild. There was some interest, I had some interesting chats with a couple of people and some wagers which were incredibly fruitful (all 4 seconds of my winnings). They were all very entertaining and they all ended on Saturday night.
Happy now?
The word "trouble" blared into my ear on several occasions was also not appreciated.

Even the taxi driver on the way home, Viktor, wanted to get in on the action. He was enquiring about our night. Frenchie was explaning how the party was full of so many women. Viktor wanted to know why Frenchie had only brought Nic and I home with him.
This continued for a while.
I said Viktor was amusing.

I got his name and his number to post here so you could call him and experience the wonderment that is Viktor. However, being dropped off first, I only found out afterward that Viktor asked the others for my number, so that he could:
"...give her a hard time and find out how she went with it all"

With it?? What is it?

Thanks Viktor.

As Frenchie explained to me, "he wanted to give her a 'hard time' the next morning, something to do with the fact that she was denying she was picking up guys by the dozen and leaving them hanging with their tails between their legs!"
He's quite right, I do deny it and for good reason.

All in all, things are pretty good. That black cloud (which I never wrote about) has somehow dissipated. It seems it is a bit of a global phenomenon- friends from around the world were complaining of the same dumb cloud.
I realised every year at this time things get a little bit depressing for no known reason. But, as soon as I realise that it goes away. But now, who knows what's wrong with me?? I was walking home from the ferry with a massive smile on my face after an incredibly manic day.
Sometimes I wonder if the big goofy smile is worse than the cloud? You can always spot a person on the street that you automatically dislike who is smiling for no reason. Depressed people just fit in to the background better.

And what the hell is this? I've slipped into a Meredith Grey style epilogue. I can hear that concluding Full House music in the background. The end of another saga is concluding and all the ends have nicely tied up into one complete blog entry.

Good night Australia...

Post No. 100

Hi kids!!
I will write a post about the weekend (I know you sickos ALL want to hear about that, I saw who looked at my Blog today!), I will write a post about the current sit-U in Israel as is my duty and I will write about the strange rash and outbreak I suffered from this morning. But, right now there is important news to be told!

Jie Jie gets a pet!
I was so excited when that boy Jie Jie was born. I was very upset when they cut off his third arm. There is a video of him in action here.
However, BIG HOWEVER, a cat has been born with one head, yet 2 faces! Unbelievable. It's like Blinky from the Simpsons knew ALL along.

Stewie the Hero
I love Family Guy.

I often speak of the lookalike who catches my ferry. Speaking of him, I had a chance to take a picture of him the other day. I happened to have my camera and he was there. However when I was about to get off, he stepped right infront of me and I couldn't very well take a photo then. I just resorted to bursting out laughing in his face. He was there again today, I was ready, but couldn't do it.
So, back to the drawing board.



But back to Family Guy. Stewie is a demi god. I love his humour, his cynicism, his intellect and of course bold arrogance. He is almost me, bar the football head.

So when this stumbled across my path he only travelled further up the path of my utmost respect for the writers and creators of the being that is Stewie. Kudos to Ben for passing this on to me and strength to strength for the Grammar Police.

Test of Time, Chasers and Wine

Well, I went to Time Magazine's Test of Time Trivia last night. It was lots of fun. Little show bag on arrival, great nibblies and drinks.
But the pressure was definitely on. There were 6 of us and we each had to learn the last 3 issues of the Magazine, plus we each had our own special issue to know. Mine- Style and Design of course.

The best part of the whole night was that we were sitting right infront of our hosts- The Chaser dudes, Craig Reucassel and Chris Taylor, who my team and I heckled the entire night.
I was a bit worried that we were annoying them too much, but after asking them about 6 times if we were (in a drunken state), they assured me all was ok.

Besides coming fifth (out of 11) a lot of other stuff happened too....

1. A while back, some guy tried to pick me up. His claim to fame was that he was "that Chaser guy's brother". I love the Chaser, always been a big fan ever since The Election Chaser and CNNNN Live. So when he told me that I was pretty excited, but then again he was only the dude's brother and really, what type of pick up line is that?! It's not as if he actually worked on The Chaser.
In my line of work, I find if I want something, I don't go out and buy it or pursue it. I have learned, just wait and it will fall right into your lap. This has happened with Movie tickets, massages, manicures, concert tickets, facials and various other products (eg iPod). I knew then it was only a matter of time before I met the guys from The Chaser.
So, when I finally did ask the question "Does one of you have a brother who works on an oil rig?", they were pretty shocked that I knew that, but WOW, that guy wasn't lying when he said he was their brother!

2. I got to be Wingman for a colleague. She had the hots for one of the Chaser guys. I creatively informed him and the rest is now up to them.
I'm always a wingman for my friends, so it was nice to move that into the work arena.

3. The token Jew, who should by default know all the Arab/Israeli questions got some wrong. Even though I wrote the answers in Hebrew. Bloody anti-semites.

4. Jacqui and I somehow wore matching striped up uniforms and we both carried our Yellow Balenciaga inspired bags. Thank you Nicolas Ghesquière. At least I learned that from Time.
5. I had the vigilance debate with Chris. I explained to him the concept of being vigilant with his humour. Ensuring he doesn't go for the low hanging fruit, continually striving for the good jokes. I managed to make them laugh all night (not sure if it was at me or with me), so I knew what I was talking about. Plus, I had that 2 month period where I was just making shit jokes left, right and centre and it was so hard for me to get out of it, but I managed to. Eb was relieved when that was over. I managed to come back to being vigilant.
Chris and Craig were making some pretty low grade attempts at humour for a big part of the evening. They were still funny, but only ha ha funny, not creative/witty/intelligent funny which is where the good jokes lie.

6. I heckled the Chaser boys about being Andrew G wannabes with their suit jackets, jeans, t-shirts and sneaker combinations. Bad form fellas. Bad, bad form.

All in all, it was a top night. We were definitely the most entertaining team and we bonded with the Chaser boys which is a big score. I like how they aren't pretentious in that D Grade celebrity kind of way. They know they aren't really celebrities anyway, so they just focus on plugging away at their craft.

Thanks Time, thanks Chaser, I'll remember this one for a while yet.

You should also know, the next post is going to be number 100. All of you should be acting up to try and get in this most auspicious occasion of blog entry.

I am inspired

On July 1st, the community of Beloit, Wisconsin came together on the banks of the Rock River to recreate George Seurat's 'Sunday Afternoon on the Island of LaGrande Jatte' -- 'Saturday in the Park with Friends'.

Two words.
Fucking Awesome!
Perfect composition. You know how hard it would have been to place every body and then every object on top of that?? Even the goddam dog!

I love this Seurat.

I reckon Ferris Bueller gave me my love of this painting plus my love for pointillism. I've got postcards of it, I've even recreated portions of it on Canvas.

That movie never ceases to amaze me. Danke Schoen.

It's all about that girl in the middle in the white dress. She is the centre of it all, but lost. You know that scene when Cameron looks into her eyes and she looks into his? Very deep. Very moving.

It's a shame in the recreation, they fucked it up by putting in a kid wearing shorts and a tshirt. Nevertheless, I am still inspired.

A brain fart

On Sunday I was thinking: What am I gonna post on Monday?

I didn't want to do the traditional weekend stories, even though I had a fantastic weekend. Free drinks Saturday night at the Eastern, sitting on those day beds. I was plastered.
Sunday was so great. Breakfast in the Bronte with some of my best mates and then chilling with the Homies with paintbrushes in hand, in the afternoon.

Me and my 90 year old Grandma are going on a cruise to the Mexican Riviera together in November, we're in the process of organising everything, it's going to be a great blog when I tell the story of that, but I'm not ready for it yet. Still a lot to happen, still a lot more cute things to be said.

Highlights include:
Me: Grandma, is it only old people who go on these cruises? Grandma, are you sure I won't be bored?
Grandma: Bored?! No! There's so much to do. There's bingo, there's quizzes.

Quizzes???
Quizzes!!!
Said like a true Wiseman.


In the end, I did have some great insight to post and I've completely and utterly forgotten it. I knew it had substance and even a bit of a punchline at the end (like most of my posts).
It was like some brain fart that has dissipated into nothingness.
Stupid brain fart.

Usually I manage to remember my original thought by latching on to the first thought that led me to that final one. But this time it just isn't working. I think I have to take things easy for a while, cut down on my sugar intake (I have progressively dropped from 6 sugars in my coffee at the age of 14, down to 2 in the present day). I should also probably stay off the funny voices from whenever there is a re-enactment of what someone said. And the narration. Definitely have to stop doing that darned narration....

Why I oughta...............

A scrimp here and a saving there

Note to reader: Whenever you come across the word pants, please pronounce pee-ants, like Kath and Kim would.

Over the past few weeks, I have managed to absolutely rock the retail world to the ground.
When I walk into a store, I'm pretty flippant with the staff. I don't mind cracking a wisecrack every now and then.

There was once a time at the pie factory when the guy asked if I wanted sauce. The sauce came in these little sachets that cost 25 cents a sachet. No where near enough contents. When he asked me if I wanted one, I was shocked. Who wants to pay 25 cents for a sachet of nothing? Every other normal place has a sauce dispenser for all the patrons. Normal! At my disbelief, he gave me 4, gratis.

So lately I've been going in to stores, making some wise crack like

"If that was, like, $15 less you'd get me, like, over the sales line"

and they do it!

I also haggle. I found a top with this tiny little hole in a seam. Invisible to the naked eye. All I would have to do would be to patch it myself. I haggled with the manager to drop the price by $20. I still haven't fixed the hole.

That's the trick- always get the manager. They have the power of the bargain, not the assistants.

Today was my consumerist victory. I bought these horrible black peeants, when I took them home, they looked even more awful. They had this hidden camouflage in the fabric. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I took them back.
On the receipt it says no refunds, but it doesn't say it in the store anywhere. These dumb ass assistants kept on telling me that it says no refunds on the receipt. I kept on trying to tell them that having it on the receipt is too late, I've already bought the peeants, it's defunct. Had I known earlier, I would never have bought those horrible black camouflage peeants (that's debatable).
Every time I went back, the manager was out. Finally today she was there, and so was a fresh new sign right next to the register: No refunds!

Whatever...in the end the manager gave me my money back, mainly due to the catch phrase:

"You and I both know, that sign wasn't there when I bought the peeants."

I feel good, like I haven't been cheated and it's a victory for the consumer. Although, I probably only did this whole thing so I could say peeants about 100 times.

Besides other things, an Apostrophe Catastrophe

A great weekend this week. Very relaxing and almost fully recovered from my bout of the flu.
It's not a question of the fact that flu actually keeps me in bed. I just don't want to be coughing, spluttering and sneezing over everyone. I had tissues all over the place and when you're sick, you don't care if a booger is hanging out of your nose. I just didn't want to make other people feel uncomfortable if they saw me with a booger hanging out of my nose.

One day I did get totally bored and ventured out to the shops, but it wore me out. Plus, not many people could understand me and I had a booger hanging out of my nose. It made them uncomfortable.

Now for the weekend. I learned how to play chess. I love it. I'm not good yet, but I'm learning and have the potential to give you a run for your money even if, ultimately, you will absolutely cane me. I will now officially accept challenges...

I also hate the fact that I cannot fall asleep in front of the TV, or a movie at the cinema, or a show at the theatre, or whatever. I will not allow myself to succumb to the wave of sleep. I don't know why, I just can't do it. So I always manage to witness this type of situation:

However, know that if I'm around, I will put a blanket over you when I go to bed and remove your glasses so they don't squash your face. The movie we watched- Family Guy, was funny. These guys don't know what they missed out on (although it's very lonely to laugh at a movie by yourself).

And one more time for the Grammar police. There is this butcher (not only of meat it seems) in the Blue Mountains. It seems he subscribes to every apostrophe possibility. I just thought about poor apostrophes! What about them? What about the continual abuse, misuse and identity crises that they suffer from because of the ignorance of the common public? Someone should take a stand for apostrophes. One thing is certain, it isn't going to be me! Maybe I'll write to that guy again who I asked to save JieJie's third arm. He didn't help much, but it was worth a try. Apparently Gunsberg has a love for apostrophes, I'll try him.


And congrats to Eb who made it into S. Smallest picture on the page, but may things just go from strength to strength from here on in.

Goodbye Handbag

My good friend, Handbag, is leaving!
He is going back to the States.

We're having a 4th of July party for him tomorrow night at Ben's place. Even nemeses are allowed!
Let me know if you want to make it and I'll give you details.

All in all, the presence of Josh has been great value. He's always up for a big night and knows how to work the scene pretty well. I've learned some valuable lessons from Handbag.

In honour of the Handbag- this is my most favouritest bag in the world right now.


Why is he called Handbag? Well, you'll just have to come tomorrow night to find out!