Monday, February 26, 2007

A night at the arduous Oscars

Well. I don't know why I was ever into the Oscars. The whole thing is political and a schmoozing battle. The comedy is atrocious. In fact it isn't even comedy, it is torturous. It's so cheesy you cringe with every opening of the hosts mouth.
The only host that was ever funny in my mind, was Steve Martin. He was so crass and rude. It was fantastic. Right up my alley.

Gradually over the years, my excitement has waned. I'm still that annoying person who doesn't want to know who has won. I won't look at msn or yahoo all day. There is no safe risk.
It's so useless, because I only watch the last quarter of it anyway- the money end. There is still a thrill in not knowing.

But, this was just so drawn out and long winded. Even the dresses weren't that nice. They were all so bland. And there were the biggest bunch of nobodies in the crowd.
Since when does J Lo think she is somebody? Has she EVER been nominated for anything? When did she become Hollywood royalty? I just don't get it.

The silhouettes were fun. I'm guessing this is the new big thing. Being John Malkovich took puppets, the Academy awards takes shadow making. Some of it was pretty cool. I did expel an "ooh" and a couple of "aahs".

What was with the presentation of costumes? That chick in the red dress and the movement of her leg was disturbing. I wish I could find a video of it on Youtube.

And JHud. You are adorable. Beyonce, you are so silly. During song, you were more concerned with hairflicks than singing.

And the pièce de résistance? Would definitely have to be Judi Dench's photo appearing on screen for the best actress category. Where did they get that thing? Google?
I can tell you they did. Hear it is:

Couldn't they get a glamour shot or something?
(This was the best likeness I could find...)

You know Penelope Cruz looked so forlorn when she didn't win. I don't know why she cares so much, it's such bullshit.

Acadmey People: I hope you technorati this. I hope you look at all blog traffic, because you have turned this event into a mockery. Which I guess it is. It's time to reflect, think what your institution has become and remodel.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

To Thailand and back again

Well, we made it, barely. We had fun and then we came back.

Jetstar, and I hope you have web trawlers because you are getting a bashing, you were goddam awful. They of course don't tell you the full story on their website. When you sign up you think you have to pay for EVERYTHING. You do, but there are some kick backs.
Everyone gets little headphones for one movie. Others pay $12 for personal TVs with multiple movies. But if you are lucky like we were, the TVs kept going up and down from the ceiling and on the way back there was no sound. We didn't get compensation. They weren't allowed to hand out the personal TVs. Such a joke.
Food is revolting for $25. One hot meal, one light meal, one drink with each. Everything else you have to pay for. So glad I took food on the way there.
Service is slow- because they have to monitor every meal going out, money coming in, who has what, what your shoe size is and whether you scrunch or fold.
Blankets and pillows are only $7, but you get to keep it. Lucky I have that Qantas blanket. It's so cosy.
They do surprise landings. When you are 1 metre above the ground, ready to land in Phuket, the plane takes off again. They don't tell you what's going on till 5 minutes later. Not really one of the most enjoyable experiences of my life.

We also had the same steward twice, Tong, whom we harassed on the way there. Someone kept pressing the flight attendant button on their seat to continually complain about the TVs going up and down. Tong kept telling us to turn it off. Some of the flight attendants just came over and turned the light off without even asking us what we wanted. It was a happy reunion when we saw Tong again.

Aside from Jetstar, we had fun in Phuket and Phi Phi. Language was a bit of a barrier. At times I'd be inclined to say intelligence too, but it was all bearable.

Points of note

Interesting uses of language
Some being "Potato of the day" and "Market salad"

Excellent array of weird and wonderful fruits.

Mini bananas were a highlight.
You can also see my banadaged finger here.

Never, ever, under any circumstances drink an alcoholic drink from a Thai bar out of a bucket.
If you were like me, and got drunk quickly, the taste of the whiskey wasn't so bad after a while. You won't notice that the others have stopped drinking. And when that bucket is finished you will be mistakenly proud of yourself. I was so sick the next day. I couldn't handle those fantastic smells of Phi Phi on a regular day. Being hungover made it that little bit more gruesome.
Fried squid anyone?

Pirate DVDs
I've never frolicked in this pastime. Let's just say I got addicted and quickly


Boats can be fun. Boats with Chavs are even more fun.

Water skiing

If you have never water skied before, and someone who doesn't speak english is trying to teach you, this is as far as you will get:

The fruit family

This is grandma fruit. She cuts fruit all day, puts it on a polystyrene tray, wraps it in plastic and then sells it for 20 Baht. When she concentrates, she pokes her tongue out. She is cute. But, she doesn't wear a brassiere.
There is also fruit boy, fruit girl, fruit aunt, fruit mum.
While they cut fruit, particularly in the evening, they watch Thai soaps. They love Thai soaps.
Don't ever ask fruit boy any questions. If you ask what something is, he cannot respond. All he knows how to do is put the fruit in a bag and take 20 baht. Nothing else. Although sometimes he will make an eating motion with his hand towards his mouth.
I liked the fruit family.


Viewpoints were awesome. The sea was clear. The sand was white hot.

This was what every day looked like for me:

Dirty old men
These men are gross. They hire thai girls to be their companions for their entire trip. Sorry, at this point I should excuse my ignorance- I've never been to Thailand before.
I even went to a Go Go club. I saw the famous ping pong trick. I was not impressed. Nor was I impressed when one the Go Go girls lit 4 fags in her fanny and proceeded to inhale and exhale somehow. I can't tell whether it was worse when she did that over my beer or when the young Australian guy on the other side of the bar lit his cigarette off her 4 fags and told her "Don't you dare fart in my face".
I liked it when we were at another club and danced on the table with Rainbow (and no, her name is not "that girl"). She was fun. She'd been a dancer with visible t-string for 16 years. She was 32.
I didn't like when some random american sat with us at breakfast one morning, told us his wife, who he has been married to for 20 years, doesn't do phone sex, and he had recently cheated on her with some thai girl.

On the reverse side, I enjoyed the sight of dirty old men wearing do-rags. They were funny.

Bikes, Tuk Tuks everywhere
Everyone travels on motorbikes. Best was seeing a family of four on one.
I did get annoyed of "Tuk Tuk?" after a while. Same with "Taxi boat?" but once we started responding with "No. Banana boat?" instead, life got easier.
$12 Massage
I had one everyday. I like the bottles the oil comes in.
Memorable experience was over hearing the story of a man who came in for "sex massage" which unfortunately was not on the menu. He didn't get much in return. If I was there I would have given him one of these bottles.

The cutest little boy on the planet
This is Maddox Jolie Pitt. He is adorable.

Here is a video too:

All in all it was awesome. I got a good tan. Thanks ladies for a lovely time. I'm sure there are stories I have forgotten. Please feel free to comment.