Sunday, January 29, 2006

Detox and rehab but not by choice.

You little fuckers. This is the parasite that got me.

This is the last time I eat a bloody sumo salad.
I used a beautiful weekend, a public holiday and a day off all in bed! A fucking waste.

I have never been so sick in my life (well, I lie- there was that time where my glands were as big as a golfballs and I couldn’t talk at all).
I had these excruciating stomach cramps, I couldn’t walk, couldn’t eat, had cold chills and it hurt. Appendicitis was a consideration.

The worst part is, every time I'm sick the doctor refuses to give me drugs! Last time, when I had the big glands thing, I told the Doctor, who happened to be my uncle "I don't fucking care if it's a placebo or antibiotics, just give me drugs." I got better as soon as I took whatever he gave me. And yeah I may be the kid that likes the challenge, but if I'm in agony and a nurofen don't work, I clealrly need something stronger.

The only consolation was that I watched about 10 movies that I had been meaning to watch. Lots of them shit.

I feel like at the moment I’m on perpetual sick duty- and I’m meant to never be sick.

It started with the fall down the stairs of the big bruise and since then things have not been the same. My neck is out of whack, and I get headaches, I had the flu last week, my back is all tight because I haven’t done pilates in ages and then this stupid viral infection thing.

I’m so tired of being sick.

The one thing out of these last four days is that I couldn’t drink alcohol, couldn’t eat any sugary/rich foods and I didn’t have to deal with anyone who has been giving me tzoros or making me broiges*! I got to think about shit that I haven’t been wanting to deal with and I am yet to get on the scales and see what the final forecast is.

I just want to be off perpetual sick.

*Yiddish words. See me if you need some definitions.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Site Meters and Tanning

A friend made a comment that:

"Blogging and looking on site meters to see how many people read what you write is a bit like trying to get a tan, you think you're doing really well until you see other people and then you feel a bit rubbish"

But the site meter has shown me some pretty interesting things. Things such as search strings!

The roundabout way people get to my site is hysterical. And usually my blog is in the top 5 or 6 search hits. It's pretty cool (although probably not as cool as people making typos to get to Gila's blog and getting 'kissing gils' and 'big gils').

Some of the entries have been:
Now this is wierd. Real wierd. Considering it came from an ISP in the U.S. An ISP from the 2nd Communications squad! I don't know where I have cubicle written in my blog, but I know there is calisthenics, but it did get me to thinking that maybe we should all be doing cubicle calisthenics at our desks and/or cubicles. If some guy in the military in the States needs to do it, it might not be such a bad idea!

chunka chunka chunka alien im video
Can't imagine what this could be. Some of the descriptions on the links are so bizarre. I have no idea what this one was looking for. And why enter "chunka" three times? Not a very good search tactic.

Looks like this happens to a lot of people...

Not bad, pretty obscure stuff

it's jerry time
Great website. If you haven't seen this, go watch.

open air cinema poncho 2006
Quite funny. But I dont know why you would want to find out about ponchos. THere horrible plastic things and you sweat in them and can't tell the difference between rain and sweat.

olivia olson's pictures
This is amusing, considering the song she sings gets a lot of talk. Maybe a little too much at times. I just hope the person researching that wasn't a pedophile

dj wisey
A dj wisey actually exists!

wisey australia
I can't believe my name has travelled so far and wide!

Others that aren't really that good...

...probably most of the others should move here too, but enough cutting and pasting for one day!

Other good stuff
This is probably better than my entire blog: everyone loves socks and sandals. This website is a gallery dedicated to those people who follow that trend.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Joke me, Joke you

Timing a joke is key.
Making sure you say the right thing is probably more important, but at the same time, timing is bloody imperative.

I’m naturally funny. What can I say?
After years of watching shit Australian comedy like Hey Dad, Altogether Now and Acropolis Now, you get to know how not to be funny.

Steer clear of puns (a no-no for all copywriters). Steer clear of the obvious and whenever in doubt, just don’t go there. Some people I know like to call that last one constant vigilance.

I have often found with some people who know or think that I’m funny, they often just laugh at anything I say. With these people, I even throw in shit jokes just to check and to see if I’d ever want to associate with them again. If they laugh, I know- no more! It can however be fun; it’s like watching a dog chase its tail. Sometime it’s hard for them to keep up, but no matter what happens they still look like a fool.

Sometimes I resort to feeding people lines, so they can say the correct response and we all to get to laugh. I get disappointed when they don’t pick it.

I even reprimand people when they say a shit joke, telling them they could do better. This is probably wrong. I should probably stop doing that.

Anyone in my distant family falls into the category of stating the obvious. It’s so frustrating that I can never remember their attempted joke, but I can always remember that feeling of rolling my eyes at their shocking abilities. I feel ashamed to be associated with these people. Religious people also fall into this category – sorry but their just plain shit.

In magazines they often resort to puns. Here I can remember an example. If someone holds and umbrella write- “Brolly good show”. If someone is sitting on a wing of a plane, you write “X is winging it”. Quite an easy formula, yet painful to read. In the last couple of weeks I have seen two cases of “brolly good show.” Shocking.

And who can forget the sordid Dad Joke. There really is nothing more to say on that except, I do hit myself if I mistakenly go for one. Sorry if I have ever slapped you with a dad joke.

In the end, all I really want to do is laugh. Love laughing and I reckon that’s why I’m hardly ever sick...

Monday, January 16, 2006

OpenAir Biff

Ohhh, the darned blog, I think it will be the death of me.

I went out with some chicks last night, and some of their many comments were:
"oooh, is, that going to make the Blog?”
It doesn’t work like that. I live my life, if something piques my interest, then I give it a bit of analysis, a bit of deliberation and then I blog. My brother always tries to send me stuff with “this is good for the blog”- maybe for his blog, but mine- No!

Last night all this occurred at OpenAir Cinema. We went to see Memoirs of Geisha.
Movie- Meh,
Atmosphere- pretty good.

OpenAir Cinema, for those who don’t know, is an outdoor cinema in Sydney city that overlooks the harbour and the city skyline. It’s pretty damn hot.

But, last night it was raining. We were given ponchos and some chocolates, which made us happy for a short period. It was definitely a hunt for free stuff at the movies and we lucked out.

We needed to find 5 seats together and we only arrived at about 8 because it was pissing down. When we got there it was packed. Sold out! People had been waiting there since 3 to get good seats or something. Crazies. They also have this thing where you can reserve seats- you just write your name on a piece of paper, go eat and then come back.

We managed to find a row where there were 3 seats together then 1 a few seats up and then another one. This is what it looked like, we’re the purples:

There was an aisle, then these randoms (the pink seats) were sitting at the top. The pink bitch would not move up one seat to the left (we would ask the other people, those greens, to move when they came back). She said she wanted to sit on the exit and that’s why she got there so early. I started asking her if she was serious. I told her it’s only one foot over and it’s quite selfish. Who wants to go to the movies and sit by themselves? Then I really got into it and made one of those weird “Ohhh-Kayyyyy” like she’s a loony and I’m not the one with the problem.

Everyone is on such a short fuse at the moment, bad moods, or lots of people are just managing to say the wrong things. If this rainy weather doesn't let up soon, I will crack another spastic. I can feel it.

In the end we found better seats, so I don’t understand why she just didn’t sit down the front, on top of the exit instead of right near the back. I had to go back and rip off our reserved stickers. I made sure I did it in a really aggressive manner with lots of yanking. I also made sure there was no eye contact. That was fun.

The movie anyway was pretty good. Book is much better as always. I was really ready to cry, because I was told this was a crying movie and felt like a cry would be good. But, the only tears on my face were those of pain from the rain trickling off my poncho and directly into my eye, which was bloody painful. Those chairs are also the most uncomfortable things in the world.

And here is a pic of me and the shmoigies from my cousin's wedding. Toba is clearly stoned and Gila wants to get as far away from me as possible.

The other pic is my brother & sister. The dress was mucho hot:

Sunday, January 15, 2006

To be a bystander, or not to be?

You always hear these stories about the people who do nothing about something wrong, are just as bad as those doing the wrong.

You think about how any moralistic person sit on the sidelines and watch something they totally disagree with unfurl before their eyes?

Being Jewish, knowing all about the holocaust and bystanders, you are kind of instilled with the knowledge that to act is a big deal and pretty mandatory. You can make a difference, it just takes one to stand up to it.

I understand that in social situations it is not nearly as comparable, but still there is social suicide to deal with.

The other day I took a stand amongst a group of people, friends I hadn’t seen in a while. One was publicly embarrassing another in a way where a whole room full of people could witness what was going on. The others within the group were all laughing and I decided to put my foot down. It wasn’t pretty and I apologise for that. And it felt so weird to be the only person that really cared.

They stopped because they knew what they were doing was inherently wrong and I don’t know why I did and still feel so irked by the entire scenario.

I don’t know if it’s because those friends could now look at me and think one of two things:

1. That I took a stand for what I thought was wrong and now in some shape or form they respect me for what I did.

2. They think I’m a nut job because I cracked a spastic about something so minor and didn’t really affect that many people.

People get so caught up by those who “steal the show”, do people not care that their entertainment is at the expense of someone else?

I guess this would be a good time to apologise to the Leaning tower of Pisa chick …again, life comes and bites me in the ass.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

This is all you need on this

Shmoigies are here. They're very cute.

Other videos include:

  • Whaddup Dawg
  • Wiggidy Wiggidy Wiggidy Wak
  • and Who's your Bisnatch...

Monday, January 09, 2006

The vicariousness of the human being

I encounter this all the time and I never understand it. I don’t think I ever will. This necessity for people to discuss and knead through the details of other people’s lives. Details of which they could have no perception or conception of. They don’t know the individuals circumstances (maybe partially, but definitely not in entirety), they don’t understand thought processes- there is just no way you could grasp every single mitigating factor which has gone into a person’s decisions.

So having said that, why do people seek to talk about others ad nauseam? It’s such a waste of time. And why bother?

To argue with it, I guess you could say it’s like studying literature. You read the book; you understand the motivations and decisions from the characters. You take life’s lessons from others. But- you are still given an insight into the character’s head, which allows you to analyse.

Now, I’m going to discuss an experience that happened to me. The behaviour of certain individuals has been quite juvenile- but clearly it has affected me enough for me to write it on here. Anyone involved, don’t get pissed off.
You can’t.
Disclaimer is here.
My motivations are different to others, I purely want to understand where people are coming from, not the essence of their speculation and gossip.

Recently a friend decided to comment on the situation of the relationship of friends we both know. Now, I found it both interesting and amusing that this person, call them X, wanted to discuss the seriousness of this relationship with no real insight (that I could see- apparently guys don’t talk so deeply). I am very good friends with the girl, I think we’re quite close and quite frankly I don’t need to know about their relationship. It’s none of my business and has nothing to do with me. As long as she is happy, that’s all I need really.

When I tried to quiz X on his need to discuss the information, he thought I was mowing him down. Not at all- I just wanted to understand this need to discuss others (in detail). I couldn’t believe some of the ideas that had gone through X’s head.

In the end I did something I shouldn’t have. I told the girlfriend, my friend about what went down. Not because of what was said, but because it was said. I thought she would understand the absurdity of discussing such things.

I know she’ll read this here…and I’m not taking anything out on you at all. So don’t be alarmed. I’m just filtering through this scenario.

In the end, she went to her boyfriend, it got back to X and then X sent an email back to me…

“I think you are a bitch to twist what i said to you and make out as though i was having a go at [the couple]. I can't believe that you would be that malicious, and really dont understand what you have to benefit by manipulating what i said.

Please take this as notice that i regard our friendship to be over!”

A bit shocked at this. Didn’t write back anything. And still haven’t seen this X to gauge their response and revel in their awkwardness that will be apparent when I do see them.

And I know I’m going to get into such trouble for posting this and I don’t really care anymore either if this is the stage it’s at. If people are so precious to begin with, it’s not worth the effort.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Coming to a cinema near you

Double Bay cinema is closed. The fucks at Westfield Bondi Junction (known to WBJ to some) have usurped all the cinemagoers.
The signage above the cinema had something written to the tune of "Your cinema is now closed", which has become this:

If you don't know what a Choad is (correct spelling here), you should look it up on wikipedia, or urban dictionary. I only know what it means because of the people I work with and Vice Magazine.

And last night, I was lucky enough to sit in a car with a copy of a book called "A Suitable Boy" by Vikram Seth. Now this book was massive, at least 3 inches thick and I'm not kidding. I knew it was hard to find a suitable boy, but I didn't know a suitable boy involved so much reading.

Sounds complicated.

And you would think the joke would have ended there. But, on closer inspection, the comment from The Times, written on the front of the book said:

If you can't read it, it says:

"Make time for it. It will keep you company for the rest of your life."

Jesus fucking Christ!
So basically all I need now is this book and that's it.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Another goodie...

So I forgot all about this too!!
One night 7 chicks went out for a night on the town. We had pre drinks at the vivacious Roni and then all 7 of us piled into two taxis and made our way to the Cross. As is the nature with yoks, no one was out on Christmas or Boxing Day. It was very tame and we had no idea where to go.

On our way to where we went, this child infront of us wore her high heels.
Slight problem - she couldn't walk in them.
Solution- take a video.
Result- Kate being hysterically funny in the background.

It's funny, you can hardly see it anyway. They are the white shoes. All you can hear is Kate!

Turns out her entire heel had broken off. Didn't care then, don't care now- she walked funny!

In the end, we all split up, went different ways and took the shoes with us.

Same night, some dude tried to get me to give him my numero. Told me he could get me in to Eastern Creek. Not only did I not know this was a motorcycle race, but I have no idea where Eastern Creek is.... ahh the life of a sheltered Jewish Princess.

But- I do however have his number and if you want to get your name on some list at Eastern Creek and go for a lovely afternoon of bikes, (rhyme, rhyme), food and piss- let me know and we'll all go.

When is it anyway?

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Love at the Moonlight

I ventured out to Moonlight Cinema last night. The sunset there is always amazing, and I'd put the other pictures up, except I look disgusting and there is nothing that photoshop can do for me. Still very brown though.

The pre was lots and lots of fun. But, you have to get there so early to get a good park inside. The only problem is that when you leave, the traffic is absolutely fucked. Best to park outside the park and walk out. Then you have smooth sailing baby.

So back to the pre. Hung out with some old work buddies. Was so much fun to chat together again. I don't think the others in our party liked it when all 5 of us were in the car and the 3 Musketeers (us) were going off on the old "Remember Whens".
This Wullfmorgenthaler was a hot topic.

And so was the bitchin' pig. Fern used to whinge so Eb and I decided every time she complained, she would have to put money in the pig. Fern ended up putting an upfront deposit in that pig.
Eb and I on the other hand, were frequent bitchers. The name of the bitchin' pig stuck more than whinging pig. That pig bought us many a lunch, many a snack and many a contraband item.

Favourite comment of the evening goes to Eb:

"Why does Bendy always have to have a penis in every comic??"

At Moonlight we saw The Goonies. This used to be one of my best movies as a kid and I don't think I've seen it since then. Sloth did scare the bejesus out of me, but I still loved it to bits. Especially that kid who is also in Temple of Doom, I loved him too.

But, last night I decided I'm not seeing any more old movies that I loved when I was younger. They are not nearly as good as I remember and I only end up walking away disappointed. But, it could also be because of the great time I had before and after the movie. I also hated those shits who screamed out all the catchphrases like "Hey, you GUYS!" and that chick infront of us who decided she was going to match the movie, word for word, and say the entire movie script while we watched it............... Almost worse than someone who reads over your shoulder.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Summer Round Up

Here it is.

Here is the Summer entry that you have all been waiting for. Unfortunately I only kept record with photos, instead of words, which I should have- so I have forgotten tonnes of good stuff.

But- there was lots of beach, a different ‘kini every day, lots of laughs, craziness and my favourite of all favourites- randomness.

Taking a bashing
First things first- my bitchin’ bruise. Looks hot and this is only a quarter (I swear) of what it was. It is now completely gone a mere 2 weeks later. Arnica cream is THE BOMB. Recommend it to anyone with a bruise. So much better than hirudoid. I got many a strange look on the beach when people saw my bruise. It was highly amusing. And my self confidence also took a bashing. I found it hard to sunbake lying on my stomach. So I am only caramel coloured on the front half of my body.

Beach visiting
All beaches in Sydney were frequented. My most favourite was and always will be redleaf. I am scared of waves and find sand extremely cumbersome. Reason I am scared of waves is the popping of the boob outside of afore mentioned ‘kini. I did it one summer and I will never do it again.
One hysterical day at Neilsen park there were many funny things witnessed:

The boat people
We were sitting on the sand at Neilsen Park- all the bitchy associates imaginable (excluding maybe one or two) and a boat decides to throw their anchor in, 20 metres out from the shore. These boat people get a dinghy thing (don’t know much about boats except that they’re fun and I don’t get seasick) and ride into shore. Funny thing is they also have no idea about boats. A kid is wearing a life jacket and the parent is holding on to them for dear life. When they go back out to the big boat to get everyone else, they can’t get the dinghy off the sand and they don’t want to get wet past their ankles either. Very funny. They eventually parked the dinghy on some rocks, rescuing the boat before it floated away to Neverland. They also managed to get tangled in the sharknets. Priceless.

Professor of sociology, physiology and sandcastle building
This is the funniest kid I have ever seen and I’ll probably get arrested for taking photos and video of him. He had the strangest haircut, a pommy accent and was just so brilliantly left of centre, he was gorgeous.
Probably funnier on the day and to those that were there- but I can just imagine him holding one hand on his pot belly and hanging his glasses out of his mouth talking about the theories of sandcastle building and the necessity to “…sprinkle some dry sand on the turrets and crenellations of the castle.”
What ten year old knows what the fuck crenellations are! A professor I tell you.

And as we were leaving the beach, we saw someone had written a note on someone's car. Here is a small excerpt:
"Hi, we're so sorry for a behaviour earlier. It was very unchristian at this time of year and considering the present climate in Sydney, we wish you a happy new year."


A friend said he went to WBJ (Westfields Bondi Junction) on erev Christmas just to watch the yoks got nuts doing their Christmas shopping: So little time, so much to do, so many queues to join. We kind of revel in the fact we don’t have to do that. But then I went shopping post Christmas. Don’t know why I go to the sales- it is usually so shit, but the parking lot stories are ALWAYS something to write home about. I can't write it here unfortunately, it's about my mother.
Although I did pick up some items I wanted from ages ago at half price so it wasn’t bad. But next year- no sales for me.

Family guy
So I finally, properly, met the dude who looks like the family guy’s Peter Griffin at this smashingly packed Chanuka party. Only problem was he wasn’t wearing his glasses, so the resemblance was lessened.
Someone who I have been telling for months about the-Peter-Griffin-resemblance also finally met him and was amazed at the similarity even without the glasses. When I finally introduced myself to him…he knows me, knows who I am, who my brother is, my name, my age, my star sign, my social security number, the shoes I wore last week and what I’m doing in 3 weeks time. So I’ve been stalking Peter Griffin, who has in fact been stalking me.
But kind of weird that he says he sees me on the ferry. I asked him why he never says hi. I don’t think I can take a photo of him now. But he kinda looks like this:

New Years
Well, I set myself up for a shit new years eve. I wished I had gone away- always better to do nothing away than at home. But…I had the most bitching new years ever. Fatboy Slim was unreal, the atmosphere was great, I was trashed. Hung out with all my friends…what better way to do it??
I would attach a picture of my viewpoint for a large portion of the evening…but I have a feeling it’s not such a good idea. But if you see me out and really want to see it, it’s on my camera- because as Rosen knows…I ALWAYS have my camera with me. It’s for the blog!...and I’ll probably put it on the other blog anyway ;)

This is the picture of sunset on new years day. "Hottest New Years Day on record" was probably mentioned at least 9 times, validly.

A beautiful, beautiful day and I got an even darker shade of caramel.

To the diehard blog fans.
I am a little amazed at the magnitude and frequency at the amount of people who looked at my blog over the past week. Thanks everyone. I hope you got some sun.

So, so far been a great summer. Sure there is something I forgot...but, who cares?
Can't get Olivia Olson's song out of my head- thanks Mendelsohn. Watched anchorman again, love that damn movie- and Trading places (love this one even more).

What better way to sign off....Looking good Louis...Feeling good Todd.

Here is to the rest of summer and the excitement at the arrival of the nieces!