Unfortunate miscommunications

Last night, something terrible happened in the harbour. A ferry crashed into a boat, the boat disintegrated. 3 people died, one woman lost a leg and a 14 year old girl is still missing. It turns out they are all from the ice skating community.
Coming in on the ferry this morning there was a helicopter searching for the 14 year old girl, boats cordoning off the area.

No one really knew what was going on. Someone on the ferry told me what was happening.

Then, I get off the ferry. There is a Channel 9 crew just standing there. They have the producer, the cameraman and the are just stnading around. Kicking their feet around. Then, the journalist turns to me as I walk past and he asks:
"Excuse me...do you know what happened last night"?

I looked at him, slightly confused. A little bit perplexed. Vexed even:
"Well, aren't you meant to tell me that? You are the news, right?"

A new low channel 9. I recommend from now you start reading my blog.

The loophole in the Youtube

I love YouTube as much as the next person.
There is some great stuff on there.
These are some of my faves:
Ask a Ninja
Chad Vader
Star Trek as Kens and Barbies

Sometimes I even get to see some fun Viacom stuff that some nice person has put up there. It's the user revolution gone mad.
Then when I think I want to send it on, maybe one or 2 days later, Viacom has instructed youTube to take it down. It really pisses me off.

More so because there has been some niggling thought at the back of my brain. The only way to keep these on YouTube is to tag them and title them with some code name. There is no way the monitors at YouTube will be able to discover what is what. The magnitude of videos uploaded is way too many.

So my idea is to create a decoder website. You upload your banned video on youTube with an entitled code, then you go to some other wesbite and submit the code and it's decoded counterpart.
When a viewer wants to see banned content, they enter the real tag of the video they want to find on YouTube and the site gives you the YouTube code.

Obviously I forsee people finding out where the site is- so we have to keep it moving. Like that Seinfeld episode where George thinks that the beautiful people create clubs in empty warehouses, then move the location so the regular plebs can't find them out.

Or...maybe this is all too complicated and you could just create some small site which holds all this banned content, but it wouldn't be on YouTube and then where would the fun be in that?

A certified moron

I am a moron. There is no doubt about it.

Firstly, I got home on Saturday night. Was a big night out. Big. Mandaly music is OK, but the room is small, narrow and over heated.
When I got home, I was hungry, so I took out some Salami stuff. Big knife, BIGGER salami.
I sliced my finger AGAIN. Same finger and everything.
A bit sore. An ugly knife. Bad quality, so my the cut is quite jagged. And it hurts, a lot.

Secondly- I've finished watching all of Grey's Anatomy, Season 3. I got or the DVDs in Thailand. Last week I saw episode 12, the last one.......or so I thought! Season 2 had 27 episodes! There are soooo many more I need to see!
The feeling of being complete- I'm ahead, everyone else is a slave to their television and I've ticked that To Do off my list. Now, NOW, I'm back to the drawing board and it sucks.
If anyone goes to Thailand, i wanna know. I need to get the rest of Grey's on DVD. I shall pay you.

I also think Indian Mynas are "Little crows" (and I thought it was spelt Minor)
It's not like anyone I know actually knows what they are called. To me they look like crows, just little versions, so they are little crows. A no brainer really. So when I commented on the cute "Little crow" I got laughed all the way into certified moron-ness.

I can't attribute it to the magazines, because I stopped reading them when I got back form Thailand, they rot my brain. And after I dropped 5 IQ points, had blackouts, it was time to let it all go.

Now I don't mind this moronic behaviour that much- it gets laughs. I just want to stop injuring myself.

This is NOT a good idea

Today, I went for an ice cream run. It's always fun and it lifts the spirits.

I was not expecting to encounter this:



Outside the ANZ on Pitt St was this horrible statue thing. The person in it moved like a robot. Goddam freaky. Those things are not pleasant to look at. They are hideous! Especially when someone at ANZ has picked up some street performed from Circular Quay and then handed them an ANZ apron and said:
"Here, just do your thang, but wear this whilst your doing it...What's your hourly rate? $4 an hour? We'll double it!"

I was greatly disturbed. The person was so skinny so I couldn't tell if it was entirely real at first. I moved up close and it pounced on me. I went in to complain. Those things just aren't right.

We (Ms Moig and I), went inside to complain:
Me: Excuse me, that THING outside, it just isn't right. It's scaring people.
Lady in ANZ: Oh yes, you've seen it.
Ms Moig: Yeah, I'm a client of ANZ and if I wasn't I wouldn't join
Lady: We just want people to notice us.
Me: Are you serious? That's a GREAT marketing strategy. Who came up with that doozie?

So ANZ, I hope you're googling and technorating yourself since you've implemented this because it is a travesty.


And as we left, Moig screamed out to the statue "Freak", I warned it not to move on me and Moig cleverly commented that if they wanted people to notice them, why not just put out a bunch of people shooting up crack. That would surely get people noticing them.

This social networking thing doesn't bang my drum

As an observer of media and how people use it, I decided to get my tuchus on to facebook. I'm also on YouTube, Digg, Mog, mySpace (for viewing purposes only, I hate my Space), Blogger, Flickr, Multiply, IMDb, Amazon, eBay, Delicious, BlogShares, Koolanoo (the jewish myspace) and the list goes on.
Coupled with my 4 various email addresses, the profiles I keep for anonymity and 3 online bank accounts - I have so many user identities and profiles, it is a wonder I can keep track of all the passwords.

I've also been playing this online matchmaking game. I'm a love god who has to match up couples. I can break up other players couples, and i can make some of my guests hotter. It's a lot of fun and the end prize is a holiday for a week somewhere in QLD or something. I'm not going to win, but I'm helping someone out who is ranked 1. It is a bit of fun- but it's a lot of effort. Every day I have to feed this thing- take my couples out on dates, make the whingers hotter. It's becoming more of a hassle.

The same with Facebook. You have to nurture your profile like a little seed. Day after day continue to nurture it and add things. It just eats away time and don't see the purpose. I only want my close friends to see what I'm doing and even then, if it's that important they know, I'll call them or they will be doing whatever it is with me.

And the randoms! Give me strength to handle the randoms. Who are these people that want to be friends with me? If I haven't spoken to you in the last 5 years (at least) there is probably a reason. I don't think things are going to be any easier in the digital realm. I'm pretty sure we won't speak there either.
In the beginning I had some guilt. I let people in. Since I woke up to this ridiculousness, I've removed people. I've declined some requests. I don't mind. I don't want you knowing about my daily activities. And if I don't know you, I don't know you. Digital will fortunately keep that same status, it's virtual.

So, I think I'm giving up Facebook. The incessant updates into my email are annoying. The blog thing is ok. It's simple, self explanatory and if you're into it, you keep coming. Otherwise you leave it for a while. I don't really need to know and that's kind of the way I like it.

Heeled thrice, sore legs and a headached from hell

Oh, last night was fun. Dan and Rachelle Silver's wedding. Awesome.
So much dancing, so much alcohol. You can't go wrong.

I got 3 stiletto heels planted in my feet- fantastic. Nothing gets the blood flowing like that.
Highlights included:

• Vodka shots being handed out on the dancefloor.
• A boat from chuppah to reception
• Some of the most excellent displays of the Hora I have ever seen. Nothing better than a speedster hora. I could only handle the pain in my feet if I was dancing.
• Brilliant cocktails
• One hot bartender and a couple of hot bridesmaids
• The presence of one Gila Levitan
• Having great times with great mates (all except silly Roni Guralnek who couldn't make it).

All in all a top TOP night. Thanks Rachelle and Dan. Awesome.

And I think from now I am inflicting a NO BLACK rule. No one is alllowed to wear black anymore. I can't tell who is who and it gets boring.

a big wedding, when even the dog gets dressed up
this is what happens when you try look cool and pose...you end up looking like a total dickhead.
i love having to crouch. It gets more fun every time

Sweaty bride. Awesome.

Oh, soo pissed at this point. Love it

Extreme close up

Geeze Louise, Leo Sayer!

So last night I had a massively boozey night. Went to some MTV battle of the bands. Garnier was there doing crazy ass things to people's hair. If you did it, you got a free pack of all these products.

I sat in the chair. I wanted products. But I don't exactly have the type of hair that lends itself to an Elvis quiff as they were doing to every bloody person in the room.
So I sat down in from of the most senior looking stylist. He was old, gay, fat and bald. He had on this little sharp glasses with black rims. He was scary looking. He almost looked like one of those shrunken head people- massive body and tiny little head.
I said to him "Are you going to work with my hair or are you going to some crazy ass shit that doesn't suit me?"
He got ticked off and asked me if I was going to be arrogant or just sit in the chair.
Touche to him. Not a bad effort.
But I got up and left. The strain was too hard.

I did get a pack in the end, so if anyone wants hair product I can give you some.

On the way home, I was starving, so I stopped off to get something. Who should I bump into AGAIN? The one and the only Mr Leo Sayer. He is so cute and little. I think I scared him a tad though. I told him how I had seen him a couple of months ago - at Harris Farm. Next to the pineapples. I told him we stalked him. I was plastered at the time of saying this.
He replied "Oh yes, the pineapples" like he knew what I was talking about. I never said anything to him at Harris Farm so it's not like he can remember.
He slowly backed away. I would too. He had a nice little car.
He is so funny.

But, had I known he had been on the Muppets, I would have had a lot more exciting conversation than bloody pineapples. I love the muppets.

A night at the arduous Oscars

Well. I don't know why I was ever into the Oscars. The whole thing is political and a schmoozing battle. The comedy is atrocious. In fact it isn't even comedy, it is torturous. It's so cheesy you cringe with every opening of the hosts mouth.
The only host that was ever funny in my mind, was Steve Martin. He was so crass and rude. It was fantastic. Right up my alley.

Gradually over the years, my excitement has waned. I'm still that annoying person who doesn't want to know who has won. I won't look at msn or yahoo all day. There is no safe risk.
It's so useless, because I only watch the last quarter of it anyway- the money end. There is still a thrill in not knowing.

But, this was just so drawn out and long winded. Even the dresses weren't that nice. They were all so bland. And there were the biggest bunch of nobodies in the crowd.
Since when does J Lo think she is somebody? Has she EVER been nominated for anything? When did she become Hollywood royalty? I just don't get it.

The silhouettes were fun. I'm guessing this is the new big thing. Being John Malkovich took puppets, the Academy awards takes shadow making. Some of it was pretty cool. I did expel an "ooh" and a couple of "aahs".

What was with the presentation of costumes? That chick in the red dress and the movement of her leg was disturbing. I wish I could find a video of it on Youtube.

And JHud. You are adorable. Beyonce, you are so silly. During song, you were more concerned with hairflicks than singing.


And the pièce de résistance? Would definitely have to be Judi Dench's photo appearing on screen for the best actress category. Where did they get that thing? Google?
I can tell you they did. Hear it is:

Couldn't they get a glamour shot or something?
(This was the best likeness I could find...)

You know Penelope Cruz looked so forlorn when she didn't win. I don't know why she cares so much, it's such bullshit.

Acadmey People: I hope you technorati this. I hope you look at all blog traffic, because you have turned this event into a mockery. Which I guess it is. It's time to reflect, think what your institution has become and remodel.

To Thailand and back again

Well, we made it, barely. We had fun and then we came back.

Jetstar, and I hope you have web trawlers because you are getting a bashing, you were goddam awful. They of course don't tell you the full story on their website. When you sign up you think you have to pay for EVERYTHING. You do, but there are some kick backs.
Everyone gets little headphones for one movie. Others pay $12 for personal TVs with multiple movies. But if you are lucky like we were, the TVs kept going up and down from the ceiling and on the way back there was no sound. We didn't get compensation. They weren't allowed to hand out the personal TVs. Such a joke.
Food is revolting for $25. One hot meal, one light meal, one drink with each. Everything else you have to pay for. So glad I took food on the way there.
Service is slow- because they have to monitor every meal going out, money coming in, who has what, what your shoe size is and whether you scrunch or fold.
Blankets and pillows are only $7, but you get to keep it. Lucky I have that Qantas blanket. It's so cosy.
They do surprise landings. When you are 1 metre above the ground, ready to land in Phuket, the plane takes off again. They don't tell you what's going on till 5 minutes later. Not really one of the most enjoyable experiences of my life.

We also had the same steward twice, Tong, whom we harassed on the way there. Someone kept pressing the flight attendant button on their seat to continually complain about the TVs going up and down. Tong kept telling us to turn it off. Some of the flight attendants just came over and turned the light off without even asking us what we wanted. It was a happy reunion when we saw Tong again.

Aside from Jetstar, we had fun in Phuket and Phi Phi. Language was a bit of a barrier. At times I'd be inclined to say intelligence too, but it was all bearable.

Points of note

Interesting uses of language
Some being "Potato of the day" and "Market salad"

Excellent array of weird and wonderful fruits.
Mini bananas were a highlight.
You can also see my banadaged finger here.

Buckets.
Never, ever, under any circumstances drink an alcoholic drink from a Thai bar out of a bucket.
If you were like me, and got drunk quickly, the taste of the whiskey wasn't so bad after a while. You won't notice that the others have stopped drinking. And when that bucket is finished you will be mistakenly proud of yourself. I was so sick the next day. I couldn't handle those fantastic smells of Phi Phi on a regular day. Being hungover made it that little bit more gruesome.
Fried squid anyone?


Pirate DVDs
I've never frolicked in this pastime. Let's just say I got addicted and quickly


Boats
Boats can be fun. Boats with Chavs are even more fun.


Water skiing
If you have never water skied before, and someone who doesn't speak english is trying to teach you, this is as far as you will get:


The fruit family
This is grandma fruit. She cuts fruit all day, puts it on a polystyrene tray, wraps it in plastic and then sells it for 20 Baht. When she concentrates, she pokes her tongue out. She is cute. But, she doesn't wear a brassiere.
There is also fruit boy, fruit girl, fruit aunt, fruit mum.
While they cut fruit, particularly in the evening, they watch Thai soaps. They love Thai soaps.
Don't ever ask fruit boy any questions. If you ask what something is, he cannot respond. All he knows how to do is put the fruit in a bag and take 20 baht. Nothing else. Although sometimes he will make an eating motion with his hand towards his mouth.
I liked the fruit family.

Viewpoints
Viewpoints were awesome. The sea was clear. The sand was white hot.


This was what every day looked like for me:

Dirty old men
These men are gross. They hire thai girls to be their companions for their entire trip. Sorry, at this point I should excuse my ignorance- I've never been to Thailand before.
I even went to a Go Go club. I saw the famous ping pong trick. I was not impressed. Nor was I impressed when one the Go Go girls lit 4 fags in her fanny and proceeded to inhale and exhale somehow. I can't tell whether it was worse when she did that over my beer or when the young Australian guy on the other side of the bar lit his cigarette off her 4 fags and told her "Don't you dare fart in my face".
I liked it when we were at another club and danced on the table with Rainbow (and no, her name is not "that girl"). She was fun. She'd been a dancer with visible t-string for 16 years. She was 32.
I didn't like when some random american sat with us at breakfast one morning, told us his wife, who he has been married to for 20 years, doesn't do phone sex, and he had recently cheated on her with some thai girl.

On the reverse side, I enjoyed the sight of dirty old men wearing do-rags. They were funny.

Bikes, Tuk Tuks everywhere
Everyone travels on motorbikes. Best was seeing a family of four on one.
I did get annoyed of "Tuk Tuk?" after a while. Same with "Taxi boat?" but once we started responding with "No. Banana boat?" instead, life got easier.
$12 Massage
I had one everyday. I like the bottles the oil comes in.
Memorable experience was over hearing the story of a man who came in for "sex massage" which unfortunately was not on the menu. He didn't get much in return. If I was there I would have given him one of these bottles.


The cutest little boy on the planet
This is Maddox Jolie Pitt. He is adorable.



Here is a video too:



All in all it was awesome. I got a good tan. Thanks ladies for a lovely time. I'm sure there are stories I have forgotten. Please feel free to comment.