The finger slicing, XRay and tetanus. Episode 75

Warning: some images not for the squeamish

This was meant to be a blog about how Nic, Kate, Kate and I are going to Thailand on Wednesday. Apparently it's something to talk about.
Our flights, are on average $450 return, including taxes. We're on jetstar, we got some deal. We have to pay extra for blankets ($7), headphones ($10) and food ($25). Luckily I now have my own Qantas blanket, so I don't need to hire that.

I took these pictures for the occasion.

The tripsters: Kate, Nic, myself and Kate

Kate, my tongue and I

Last Monday, as I was contemplating the post I would write, I was cutting up some pictures for a presentation. I was using a cutting board, a lovely metal ruler and a bitch of a stanley knife.
The knife slipped on the ruler and that bitch sliced right through the top of my finger (not the whole thing, maybe half way).

The bitch of a knife

After my Martin rendition of "Owie Owie Ow", I saw the blood start flowing and it didn't really stop till they put the stitches in. 5 of them. I predicted the number. I sat at my desk, people got me tissues, then I got a big mo-fo of a bandage around my finger, it must have been at least 8cm in diametre.

I got cabcharges to Sydney Hospital and off I went.

The orderlies were nice. One, Andrew, enjoyed telling me his own stories of slicing fingers off with broken beer bottles. I didn't enjoy them that much. Once they took off the bandage and there was no pressure, the hurt started and random chat was not advisable.

Dr Kevin was lovely. His favourite pastime is tennis and his favourite part of doctoring is doing stitches, so I was glad I fulfilled that aspect. I also had to have X rays to make sure I hadn't scraped any bone off. Once that was clear we moved to stitching.

Dr Kevin explained to me that he would put anaesthetic in my finger. I hate anaesthetic needles, they are a real bitch. He jabbed that fucker in and I said to Dr Kevin
"I hate you, you're such a prick". He laughed. However, read on - he got me back for that later.

Then the bastard jabs the needle in the other side of my finger. I was NOT expecting that. I exclaimed,
"Dr Kevin, what was that? You didn't tell me you were going to jab me twice! What is this, your idea of a doctor surprise???! SURPRISE!!"

Once I couldn't feel my finger at all they did the five stitches.
Andrew the orderly was hanging around the entire time. At this point he says to me:
"You know, you're 13 days older than me."

I'm kind of perplexed. I'm sitting there with my bone exposed, my finger is numb, but tingly like a dead leg gets. I look at him strangely and I respond:
"Thanks Andrew. Thank you for that information. I'll take it with me to the grave."
Apparently I'm mean, I shut him down, he was denied. But, the timing was impeccable, the tone fantastic and the Dr got a good laugh out of it.

So these were my surgical drapes (with some blood underneath. Yummy):


This is my wound stitched and taped up:

The dirty bandage by the end of a few days:

I got these awesome sticky bandages that stick together like spider webs. I had to get my hair washed at a salon because I couldn't get my hand wet. Hopefully work cover should stitch that up nicely.

Andrew gave me the best Tetanus shot I've ever gotten. No dead arm feeling and it only got sore on day 2. I couldn't believe he actually gave me a needle. I told him he was good. Kudos where kudos is due.

I was only in emergency for about an hour (Monday mornings are very slow) and then I went straight back to work like a moron. I should have gone home.

And how did Dr Kevin get me back?
I went to get my stitches taken out today. We discussed his tennis battles on the weekend. He lost and won a game each. He admires Federer. Then the "prick" wrapped up my finger with a finger GString. It looks absolutely ridiculous. I can't get it wet for 4 days. I'm thinking of naming it Slimey (Oscar the Grouch's worm) and colouring him in accordingly.

But Thailand, here I come....

Horror and infamy

This weekend.......was hot. 'twas awesome. All the trappings of hot weather were there

• Spiders everywhere. Those Andrew Cross spiders own my garden. I walked into one. It was a fucking nightmare and their little bulbous bodies are rock hard. That movie Aracnophobia still freaks me out.
  I was walking around with a stick to knock any webs out of my way. I felt like Indy.
  
• Birds that just won't shut up
• Kids screaming across neighbourhoods as they jump into pools, peppered with the sounds of "Mum! MUM, look at me!!!"

Friday night was fun. I went to some new friends for dinner, and on the way home I found a pair of sneakers. When I got home it took me about 15 minutes of failing abysmally at throwing them over the power cables. It's actually quite exhausting. You throw the sneakers so far away and you have to get them every time you miss. It's a pain in the ass. In the end, I was told correct technique (hold the shoes together and throw, don't use one like a lasso and then throw like I did....).
Suffice to say, I was successful on the second go! Not bad at all.
Will be a very joyous occasion every time I walk past those babies.



Shabbat was quiet. Real quiet. I had about 16 hours sleep. I finished a book I've been trying to read for the past 4 months and it's only 180 pages long. It's been so disjointed I feel as fucked up reading it as the guy who is in it.

On Sundee, I tried working on a laptop and sunning myself at the same time. The hard part was touching the black keys, they just kept on getting hotter as the day went on. I think I have finger burn.
Worst part of the day: Walking to the pool, deciding to clean it and spotting a dead kookaburra in the water. I saw one of them milling around the pool on Friday, had I known it was a goner, I would have gone to save it. Now my pool is contaminated. It was so difficult getting the corpse out of the water without touching it. Birds are filthy animals.
I was so focused, I didn't even think first "Must take photo for blog". Only after I had thrown the animal into the no man's land did I think to take a pic. There are it's legs. It stank. I hope by now it has decomposed...

Back to hilarity

Oh, it's sometimes feels so good to cause havoc. I don't know why. Maybe because I was so good in school? Maybe because the cheekiness now is so brazen, it's hard to resist? Who knows, but it's fun.

First order of business because it totally rocks my world:
I threw my first pair of sneakers onto an electric cable. It took about 10 throws and in the end I couldn't even hit the target (totally unlike me), so my buddy was the one to achieve the intended goal. It looks damn cool and everytime I'll pass by there i'll comment "There are the shoes" a la Ghost World's "There are the pants again"

Look closely in the centre of the image for the sneakers

I stabbed a man with a fork, almost
I was eating my typical mezze plate at some bar when some guy decided to stand right next to me with his ass in my face. I picked up the fork and attempted stabbing him in the left cheek, but I couldn't go through with it. So I put the fork in left bum pocket instead. I didn't care if he noticed the fork was in his pocket, that was my intention. So I made sure he could feel it on the way in. It worked, he removed the fork and quietly stepped away from my face.
The next guy who did that, I just told him to move because his ass was in my face. He kindly obliged.

The fork involved

My week off

This week was one of the most deserved weeks of my entire life. I had no real plans, I wasn't tied down to anything specific and I just floated along the week of sun, surf (well not really in my case- I scared of waves and I can't dive), bikinis and alcohol.

It was fantastic. And most probably the reason I refrained from blogging.

Highlights would be my $45 massage, my facial, the inability to stop spending money on socialising and the beginnings of a fantastic tan.

Reminiscing about my massive bruise from last year was also well remembered.

There wasn't really anything that happened that would be bloggable. All the stories are too long winded and by the time you get to the punchline, you've already forgotten what happened at the beginning. But I am again hooked on playing 500 and I am a master of the backgammon board. No one believes I can take home the Open Misere. David, remember all the times I've done it??

One thing funny did happen today. I was dared to eat 2 beroccas for $10. Easy money I say. I used to eat Beroccas as a kid. But I've never done 2 before. Now I'm burping up a storm!