Burning down the house

No. I'm not talking about that Cardigans/Tom Jones song (and I'm sure it was a cover of another song). I'm talking about the fact that I nearly burned down my kitchen, then my apartment, followed by my building last night.

It's starting to get a little chilly, so I decided to get some chestnuts and roast them. They are so nice when they go all warm and mooshy inside.

So after working out how to use the griller and nearly asphyxiating myself from the gas, I walk away for a couple of minutes. Then I hear this crackling noise. I think the chestnuts are exploding, even though I made incisions in the shell.

You see, I had put paper in the bottom of the tray, underneath the chestnuts and this caught fire.

When I ran in, the first thing I of course think is have to put it out. I turn the griller off, grab a towel to beat the flames, open the window and then realise I can just shut the griller door, deprive the fire of oxygen and be sweet.

I can't believe that whole process took no more than 3 seconds. I'm quite impressed as well with my attitude under immense, IMMENSE pressure.

It was all sorted. I have no smoke alarm. Very dangerous. I will have to call the devil myself (name for the landlord) and arrange to have one installed. There is black crap everywhere. But I do however love the smokey smell in the kitchen.

More tales of Deb's Mishaps to follow.

So many stories to tell

I am in a huge phase at the moment with too many stories to tell.
It's getting a little annoying and I know I probably should have blogged more when I was in Israel, but I just couldn't be assed.

I might do it on a voting system (and probably no one will comment anyway so I won't have to do anything about it), where you tell me which story you want.

• There was the story of me puking erev pesach and then passing out at seder. In Israel you only have one chance, so when I woke up it was ALL over.
• Meeting a guy who looks like Millhouse.
• Nail file confiscated in Hong Kong airport. Discussion of confiscation with officials, for an hour.
• Bag broken, contents damaged and stolen by our friends ElAl. Now they are claiming they cannot cover my damages.
• Those 2 jokers in Israel and one of them who I kept bumping into.
• Eating and shopping way too much in the holy land
• People thinking i'm Israeli.
• Probably more. Can't think.



• Oh yeah, that guy on the plane adjusting his penis in his pants while I'm sitting next to him. Have you heard of peripheral vision you ass? I don't need to be subjected to this kind of visual abuse. Not only that, at least make more inconspicuous, eg -put a blanket over you and then do it if your tackle needs that much attention. To add insult to injury, I was shocked to encounter another man doing it as well. And no, I'm not a pervert, just something I never noticed before...and in many ways wish I had not!!

Everything now is a story, and more so than ever before. It's a little strange.

In other exciting news:
Photos from trip can be viewed here

And go watch this trailer.
When you see the screaming monkey, press pause and go back a couple of frames. You will something very interesting....
If you don't find it, i'll post the answer up here eventually.

This is for David


c/o This website

And those dudes that just got rescued from the mine in Tasmania...they're like the next Stuart Diver. Apparently they love footy, so they could be commentators if they try real hard. Not only hat, it's like when Timmy O'Toole got trapped down the well. You think they'll make a song? You think Sting will come and sing it? Watch out for that canary fellas.

Life in the land of the dot co dot il (.co.il)

All in all, I'm having a pretty good time in dot I.L.

I noticed within a few days of arriving here there isn't a conversation that goes by without the mentioning of blogs. However, there was the time we went out for a Friday night dinner and blogs weren't mentioned at all. That's because everytime I wanted to mention them I had to stop myself so I could be the causeof all this, but before that it definitely wasn't me.

There is also definitely the aura here of the anonymous blog. People love being anonymous so people can talk about them while they are present and people love trying to work out who the blogger is. It's a whole incestuous web of lies and in the end it's one big game. There is some element of fun to it, but otherwise it's just bullshit.

Otherwise I'm just taking in the sites and celebrities. Ewan McGregor was in Cesaria, Will Smith was at the Kottel and someone from Big Brother was at the beach in T.A.

I got a great tan in Herzliya from a half hour sojourn at the beach, post a great kosher le pesach breakfast at Hillel's. Pesach bread just tastes like wierd cake, but at least you can get by without really having to eat matza.
Malls are packed and people are everywhere over the holidays. All Israelis do besides argue, is go shopping in malls. Zara is like the Sass and Bide sale all day, every day. Madness.

Supermarket shopping is just as bad. I noticed something wierd in Israel. People have this brotherly love for eachother. It is strange. There is no real way to explain it. Having said that, there is an implicit trust between people even though most people are totally dodgy. A simple thing like going to the supermarket made me notice it. People just leave their trolleys and stuff behind when they go to the other side of the supermarket. In Australia, where people I think, are the most unassuming would never ever leave the trolley behind as they went to another aisle. I think it could be because the attendant would come and clear it away. In Israel the attendant is probably having a cigarette outside. And attendant probably isn't even the right name for it.

It's been fun hanging out with the kids. Went out for a massif night last night in Jay-ru, going to T.A. saturday night with my old friend Halachic Hadley and then i'll live it up a little bit more before going home on Lundi. I might try whack in another beach visit before I go, because why the hell not?

Me, myself and I

Oh, arriving in the Holy Land has been a tad amusing.
I have a MASSIVE post that is in the process of being written and planned, but in the meantime here is the long and short of it:

Jetlag.
Arrive at 4.30am, decided to go the long haul and leave jetlag as a mere memory of days gone by. I managed to successfully stay awake until 11.30pm last night and no longer will have the jetlag.

Blogs.
It has come to my attention that in meeting more members of my blog community and even those not in it, there is not one conversation where blogs have not been mentioned. Once I even commented on such fact, the talk of it has gotten even funnier.

I have also noticed that my peers write about these deep philosophical and spiritual issues. My blog has such a different bent. They should really all write novels.

the jig is up.
David. We know you're teatime. Now shut up.

Look Like shit and picked up twice in 6 hours from landing.
I don't what is with this country. The very long post that I will be inserting about my plane ride involves some guy who I happened to sit with on the plane.
Planes are gross, especially when you have 30 hour flights and you look totally gross. This guy who I sat with on the plane wants to hang out with me. I complacently took his number as it means he will not be able to call me.

Story II: On my way to Jay-ru, I'm rushing to get the bus from Ranaana. Some dude on a motorbike sees me and offers me a tremp (a ride). Never tremped in Israel before unless I was in the company of guys. The dude had rings on his finger, I figured him for being married. A little strange for a married guy, I'm in a hurry, so I say OK.
He gives me a helmet and we ride off into the distance.
THEN, when we get to the bus station he wants to take my photo of me on his bike!! WEIRDO!
Then he says he wants to take me for a ride on his Harley around Israel and tries to get my number. Again, I take his number instead.

I ended up missing my bus anyway because the guy wouldn't stop talking and once I'm waiting for the bus he comes back again telling me how he would really like to take me out.

I now understand, completely, where Gila is coming from. Someone please help her, because if I only just got here and she has to live with this every day, I really don't understand how she stays sane.

A revisitation of the grammar police.
Before I even start, disclaimer: I gotta type bloody fast, I have to get this post out so that I can go shopping (no blastings please on the fact that I don't have to post), so I am excused for typos, lack of apostrophes, etc (etc). So...on the plane they have the pilates exercises on the little monitor. They were in hebrew with english subtitles. While I was on the place for 11 hours I managed somehow to tell the story of the grammar police to this guy.
This comes on the screen: "Straighten"
He comments: "How funny. They spelt straighten with g's and h's in there. Bloody israelis." I laugh. First time in my life there is a clear, clear laughing at you, not with you situation.

Next: "Loosen your neck"
Him: "Oh my god. L.O.S.E. What is wrong with these people"

And the piece de resistance
Pilates Lady: "Let's now use our legs"
Him: "Ha ha ha. Let's with an apostrophe. Overload on the apostrophes lady. Apostrophe is only for possessives."

You moron!! At this point a ran to the bathroom in hysterics. One of the most clearly beautiful moments of my life. Then when I got back he comments on a time in a bar in Israel there was a sign "Draught beer here" and they spelt it all wrong I point out that is actually how you spell it. There was some backtracking, I pretended to buy it. But it was oh so funny.

So watch below this space for more adventures on my flight:

• Sitting in Hong Kong airport with officials discussing while my nail file got confiscated
• Watching my suitcase being destroyed during security checks and the further claims on insurance for case and contents
• General hilarity that only I manage to manufacture and witness.

Above this post will be future adventures in Israel. There is a definite buzz in the air of everyone getting ready for pesach. The country is only going to get crazier.

Life's Lessons

Lesson no. 1
Do not come in to work early (7.20 am) to get a good start on a busy week and then use a piece of paper to hold the door open whilst your security pass is inside. Chances are it will be too flimsy and will not hold the door open.
Then wait 30 minutes until someone arrives to work at a normal time and can let you back in.

Lesson no. 2
If someone crouches down at your desk and you pretend not to notice them, say something. And do so straight away.
Say something like "What are you doing?" or "Can I help you?" as they hold that jug of water in their hands.
Otherwise you will end up with a totally wet foot like I did. Then you will need to seek retribution with a mini super soaker that you happen to have in your drawer, like I do.

That is all for today.

Surprisingly.

I'm usually a fool most of the time, it's just that at present I can't remember what my other mishaps are.