Shit has me frazzled

Right, this could be a topic not for the faint hearted. Particularly for guys. No woman ever wants a guy to know what actually happens in the bathroom, even though we all know anyway.

Lately the politics of women’s public toilets (mmm, toilets), particularly at work, has gotten me really concerned.

It isn’t in the men’s toilets. I don’t go in there, except if I’m out and the women’s queue is massive and there is never anyone in the men’s (called the Women’s Dastardly Dash). Guys really do wee out windows, don’t they?

The thing is this. At work if I go into the bathroom and there is someone in one of the cubicles, they stop whatever it is that they are doing. I’m inclined to think I have walked in on the number 2 variety of toilet duty. But it’s not like I know who it is. I can’t even see your shoes and check later “Ohh X, it was her that did that absolute bomb in the toilets. Thank god for the shoe giveaway”.

Maybe they get performance anxiety and have to stop.

Flush Trickery
Some people even do the trick where they flush and pretend to be finishing, but when I walk out, I can see their shadows are still in the sitting position.

It’s a bit of a shame- you must have gotten a wet ass doing that. Is it really worth such a sacrifice to keep the illusion going? We all know what you are doing.

There is the strategy; I call it the “Paper Ploy”, where someone has clearly done something pretty messy, they just have to hide it, so they cover the whole bowl with toilet paper. We are living in El Nino, drought is rampant, forests are being destroyed and you are covering your shit with toilet paper, pretending not to be doing a shit and thinking no one knows, but deep down you know everyone knows.

Ohh, toilet politics I love it.

The shit toilet (as in the toilet for shits) on my floor is the last cubicle on the right. We even have a deodorizer which usually sits next to the taps. If it’s missing you know there’s trouble brewin.

I walked in there a minute a go, in the last cubicle the lid was closed, the deodorizer was in there and I just knew it would be bad news.

When I came out of another cubicle someone was waiting and commented on the nature of what actually was in there. I have resorted never to go in shit cubicle again. In fact, I have commenced going to a bathroom on a different level altogether, out toilets are that disgusting.

Which reminds me, if you are ever in mid act of something and someone walks in, there is this unspoken rule that you shouldn’t see who came in and who is going out. Person currently in act must finish post haste to leave before person 2 can see who you are. Person 2 must operate very slowly to give person 1 sufficient time to leave the toilets. It’s all very organized and everyone knows the rules without having ever being told them.
It’s mainly due to toilet conversation. I have encountered a couple of these. They suck. What else is there to talk about besides shit?

And my last gripe is this. Why do all women take so damn long in the bathroom? I have never taken long and go under the title of “Faster pisher in the east”. But is there something I’m not doing that everyone else is? It has always really worried me. Girls, what are you doing in there?

Please, please tell me, I feel really left out.