I'll never tire of toupees

I keep seeing really weird-crazy shit. Crazy as in people doing silly things to prove a point in a way that's not really necessary.

Toupees are always absolutely awesome to look at. Especially when the remaining hair on specific head does not match the foreign hair on head. Also especially as much when you just know the follicles are not coming out of pores, but weirdly attached to a sheath which gives off that tingly feeling of 'something isn't quite working here'.
And each and every time you see it, there's an assessment- where's the real hair? Does it work on top of the head- does it look like it's actually sprouting from the head? What about the colour matching, is there any connection?
It's just an enigma of why?

Within the same hour of seeing this toupee and saying "I'll never tire of toupees" I saw a girl carrying a mouse in a box. It's great that there is this whole sub culture of women who love carrying dogs in handbags, today I even saw a dog in a special dog stroller and it's fantastic that teenagers can get in on the act with mice. It's like little kids have mini handbags and fake lipstick. Dolls as babies. Now mice carry-alls are part of the scene.
But what was she trying to prove? That she's a 14 year old who's prepping herself for the dog in the handbag market? She was with her mates and her mouse. Was she aiming for strength in number?

I used to know a Rabbi who wore a toupee. We joked that he never really had to wear a kippah. But we also wondered why he cared so much? Why did he do it? We could see at the back there was a disconnect between the salt and pepper of the toupe and the salt and pepper of his hair. We couldn't see a scalp but he did do a good matching of making it look liked it sprouted out of his head. But every time I saw the Rabbi, I never got tired. I loved seeing if he had gotten newer ones to match his progressively graying real hair.

I'll never tire of any other toupee I see. The ridonculessness of what they're trying to prove is of mythical proportions and the amazement of seeing them think they can pull it off is fantastically laughable.

Youth Day laws: Thou shalt not annoy or trespass

SMH: EXTRAORDINARY new powers will allow police to arrest and fine people for "causing annoyance" to World Youth Day participants and permit partial strip searches at hundreds of Sydney sites, beginning today.
The laws, which operate until the end of July, have the potential to make a crime of wearing a T-shirt with a message on it, undertaking a Chaser-style stunt, handing out condoms at protests, riding a skateboard or even playing music, critics say.

You have to love Australian common sense
Who doesn't love to laugh at a Catholic?! Well, I know Christians are even funnier. But I love how the country knows this and wants to protect them. So very cute.

Security of whoever these fucks are, just know people are going to go round the city and terrorise these little Catholics. And if the security officers aren't anal retentives, they are going to try their very best not to laugh.

I just hope there is none on that tazering bullshit that you see in the U.S. If people let a little crazy over a graphic on a t-shirt, that would be a good time to take a step back and reassess.

"Say What?"

I am finding that people will say the weirdest things, not even caring if you hear or not.

I have recently come into direct, including eye contact, with:

An amusing opening for cash

"Don't be scared of me, I'm just a crack addict"

Walking to get some sliced mango on an extremely Changi-like night:

"So, do you think she's hotter than I am"

Said by girl to her 2 male friends. On my return I asked what the verdict was.

I love it when the homeless people add their 2 cents. This has been my favourite:

"Damn. Look at those legs. Those are some great long legs"

I had to turn away as I burst into hysterics

Random guy on a walking stick

"Have a lovely day, you hear me? Have a lovely day. Thanks for making mine"

This has probably got to do with the excellent hair days I have been having. Pair that with big black sunglasses and it's a can't lose combination.

Yes. If I wanted your help, I would have asked for it.

Why do people in this city do this?
Why do they seek the need to really and truly stick their nose in something, when really, no one asked, no one was wanting and to top it off- you've come in at a point, missed the story and again: no need.

Some incidences have occurred:

• On the weekend, it was ridiculously hot. Wore the bikini/dress combo because it was seriously Changi Prisoner of War Camp HOT. So hot, that I even tucked my dress a little into my kini bottoms to make it a little shorter and hopefully cooler. Some nut makes every effort to get some other nut to tap me on the shoulder and get my attention. Bless her. She wanted to tell me my dress was tucked in my undies. "Lady", I say, "do you know how fucking hot it is?? This is deliberate."
  
  
• Take 2: I went to see the Biennial at the Whitney. The shenanigans that day were very fun. Contemporary art is fucking boring unless you interact. I interacted to the point of reaching hyperactivity and hysteria. One piece was a book glued to the floor. The security on duty, was ON it. Really. I say to my friend " 'oly Shit. Someone has left a book on the floor and no one, like NO ONE, is picking it up. Disgusting."
  A dyke, from a pair of dykes, turns to me and says "Ummm, it's part of the exhibition". I do my non-sensical, are you 'fucked in the head', 'you're a butchy dyke aren't you?' look, wait a little and then go "....ohhh. Ok". Then do the eye moves and ask the guard if I could open it. He says to me, if I want to read it that I should go to the library and borrow it. Spunky, but annoying. Then he wanted to talk about Australia. Weird. Usually people think it's British. He was all round, impressive.
  
  
• Gone to Macy's. NEVER go to Macy's. It's an awful place. I commented to my partner in crime that day, that Starbucks is the largest public toilet network in the world and that we just passed one of two in Macy's. She comments that Starbucks is visual abuse and where is there not a Starbucks? Some lady walking past shares with us that the Starbucks is right over in the corner behind us. WTF? I don't want to know. Did anyone ask you?
  

Interesting no? People like to go out of their way for useless information. For something you need....forget it.

Other highlights this week: Got totally drenched in a torrential storm after Death Cab for Cutie concert. Sweet. I say, better to get all wet than be half assed. It paid off. I even lost a thong (as in the shoe) running away from the eye of the storm...heavy duty.

Fucked up flat mates and such

When I first got to NY, I was pretty lucky. Awe-SOME flatmates, even if one thought her British accent was Australian and used the crackberry a little too much.

And after I decided that the UWS wasn't for me and began the search downtown, things started to get a little hazy. Potentials included....

• A witch. Really. With feathers and candles and crap everywhere.
• People listed "semi private alcoves" and Being John Malcovich style living
  
• One sent me a fucking great email, I still have it:
  "I share a one bedroom with a friend. Rule is no sex in the apartment, well that was until I came home and found my roomie with my boyfriend, in bed together..."

And i've heard some fucking crazy stories from friends and their flatmates' habits

• Doesn't clean out kitty litter and concurrently does not open any windows
• Never leaves their room
• Doesn't talk
• Requests no interaction over the weekend

And it's not like anyone gives a shit. It's all about making your own rules and how it works for you even if it impacts another person in their own small living space. It is bizarre. No external consideration or respect.
I thought my own flatmate was having trouble with the 'adjustment period' in to our apartment. But now I know there is no understanding about how to live in a shared household. I don't care if she reads it, she is going to get it.
She:

• uses a roll of toilet paper A DAY! I work from home and use about 12 squares a day. I did a test the other week with 3 ppl. It took us 3 days to get through it! I don't know what the fuck she is doing with that thing. Was there some memo I missed? It must have been on the same memo as why girls spend so long in the toilet because I didn't get that one either!
• Leaves crap in the sink, dishes all over the house, never wipes down the benchtops and just shit everywhere. Who the fuck does she think makes it disappear? Her mother doesn't come over and do it for her.
• Lights on! Hey, we're in massive global warming and it's just a waste financially and again resourcefully!
  
• Hair residual in the shower catchment thing. Fucking gross
• And then there was one time she used my toothpaste. It would be completely ok if she asked, but she made sure she put it back in the same position that I had, but I knew, just knew she was using it through my own clever analysis.
  Moving on.
  During the using toothpaste period, she was ranting at how she knew her last flatmate was going into her room and taking/using stuff like her underwear (well, she wins on that one, that is insane). I decided to invent a story for her which basically implied don't use my toothpaste without asking: "Hey, it's ok if you're using my toothpaste, but I just want you to know that my dentist told me I should have my own toothpaste because I have this contagious bacterial condition on my gums"...I never got to do it, because finally she got her own. It would have been awesome.
  

The list is pretty extensive. I've been trying to have a family meeting for weeks but we're never home together. She is a little feisty so I expect some biting back. Watch this space for the outcome.

Sex and the City is a real New York girl's nightmare

Walking through the streets of New York, you're spurred on by the surging waves of people and that there power in your step. You can feel that there is so much up for offer, so much mystery around the next corner and so much money dropped at the drop of a hat. The hungriest seize the winnings, the greedy do anything to grab the cash and the optimists lick life off their sticky fingers.
It is a city of everything and surprisingly a city which has been further defined by a TV show. A show which seems to validate ridiculous behaviours and attitudes.

A definition.
Sex and the City women aren't really like our famous 4 protagonists. No one here really dresses that well and real SATC women are older, dress in short skirts and low cut tops. They often frequent bars and clubs, when really, they shouldn't be because the people in the bars are much younger than they are. They believe they are power women, when really they should just have more taste.
Some people call them bag ladies because they always have designer label bags. I like that, but they are so moronic that SATC fits them better.

But, there is a new kettle of fish too. They are even more prominent than SATC wenches. MySpace Skanks and 'hos are very young girls with impeccable bodies but who reveal too much skin. They talk in that annoying way "So yeeahh, I was like, so totally into it", they are fucking brainless and update their mySpace pages every 4 minutes. They're eye candy to the point of disbelief, but tacky.

Almost polar opposites but equally as ridiculous as the other. The city seems to run rampant with these 2 species and then the rest of us sandwiched in the middle, try to avoid them at all costs.
The worst part is that the 2 kinds are promiscuous. Very promiscuous and give all women a bad name. I also find that these 2 have extrapolated story lines from a tv show and manufactured them into a way of life. These women have infected men to almost legitimise their whacked habits.
I'm not buying it. And I often find myself lamenting at the horror that my own life could become a sex and the city cliche. It's fucking awful.
I could bitch and moan about the stories, but that would be lame. Exposing the horror of disaster after disaster. I'm not going there.
Instead I think I'll manufacture some tshirts.

Wankers, harrys and losers

As far as I can see, there is nothing much going on today....except a prolific amount of wankers opening their mouths when they shouldn't.

You know those dicks who say "I don't watch TV" or even "I don't own a TV"? When clearly there are some excellent shows on the air these days that are worth watching. Shows that actually entertain and enrich your life in some way. AND clearly these people have to watch some TV at some time or another. I just don't buy it. Even if you don't watch TV as such - at the specified time on the specified channel, you're going to download it or buy the pirate in Thailand or something.

Well someone just took it to the next level:
"I'm trying out that new lifestyle where I don't read magazines or newspapers. EVERYTHING is online!"
Sorry but that is just so gay (not gay as in homosexual, but gay as in lame!). The words "i'm trying out that new lifestyle" seriously irk me. What fucking lifestyle? And there is some implication that some authority dictated this new way of life. Please, it's not a way of life it's a preference.
It reminds me of the time someone said "Are you going to that conference that EVERYONE has been talking about?"
Everyone? Who the fuck is everyone? And why do I care about some boring conference where people postulate and gesticulate over total bullshit? I'd rather talk to the homeless midget on the corner. He probably has something more interesting to say than a bunch of wankers who don't watch TV, read newspapers and certainly don't touch a magazine!

Fuck my blog is good

Reading over some past entries has been entertaining. A shame I've let it wane. I could be oblivious to it being shit, but the fact it's my life log makes me think it's good.
Whatever... I'm bringing it back with a vengeance!
Be prepared to watch this space...

In the meantime: An introduction to Ivy Brown.
This little lady is the shit!
I met her at her gallery in Meat Packing.
She is friends with Banksy. She knew Leigh Bowery.
She is a fucking power house of great story and adventure and makes a great ice tea too.
I will definitely be interacting with Ms Brown again and she even said she could hook me up with Banksy!
Sweet.

Back in the US of pie

I'm back.
Sydney was glorious.
Had horrendous jetlag. I totally fucked up my non jet lag strategy and got lumped with a week of no sleep. This is what happens when you get 4 seats to yourself. You spread yourself out. You lay down. You make the most of it.
So, the time I was meant to be awake, the last leg of trip, I was fast asleep. When I got back to New York in the afternoon, I screwed up the sleeping pattern for the rest of the week because I'd basically slept for 18 hours and was still on AU time.

Had a couple of other interesting experiences

• The security guy in Australia was fantastic. I had some contraband in my hand luggage- a jar of some chilli paste and he let me take it through. He hid it under my jumper, cleared my bag and told me not to let anyone see because there were cameras and he would get in massive trouble. So awesome a security guy. I'm his biggest fan
• Why did no one tell me you don't have to take your shoes off at security any more? I felt like such a 'tard.
• I flirted and smiled with every security/airport person on the way through except one fucker in L.A. I was basically in transit and there's one guy checking 300 passports and tickets. It's irritating and inefficient. All these disabled people cut in front of me and I'm not impressed. I'm tired and just want to put my shizz down. When it's my turn, I don't even look at the guy, I just wait and he asks for another form of I.D. because my photo isn't clear enough. WHAT?! I've had my passport for 8 years, been around the world, and all of a sudden it isn't good enough for you! It just shows that flirting works.

In the end, I made it and thanks again Qantas for ripping my bags. We're going to have another 6 month saga, so bring it on!

3 countries in a week, a visa and a potential arrest warrant

Things have been pretty whirlwind lately.
I had to fix my visa situation. This was partly due to the fact that people cannot understand my accent and confused A3 (a diplomatic visa, as much as I feel I deserve one, it is not for me) and an E3 (the Australian national visa).
I don't know how many times I have to see "E for egg" until it finally sinks through.
A colleague informed if you are saying "A for ayg" it really won't make an impact.

Canada
So, I went off to freezing Halifax, Nova Scotia, to sort it out. I flew on the tiniest little plane. And Canada was awesome, all the lakes were ice. There was so much snow and it was so quiet.
My E3 was sorted in 2 days. A good deal in comparison to the 15 weeks that the American government promised me. Thanks USCIS but you can keep your 15 weeks.

awesome old cemetery with lots of snow

me freezing my tits off at pretty much the only scenic place in Halifax, the Citadel

a frozen flag. Cold.

Back in the US (S of A)
It was nice to back with some validity. Although it was around now that I found out you can get shot for anything against the patriot act. This country is so screwed up. Any one in any position of authority would rather taze or use a weapon on someone instead of hearing someone out. Good to know it's violence first, talk later.

Puebla, Mexico
Ooh, this little city is pretty cool. And the hotel was awesome, except for the shits who decided to have a party in the bar above my room until 2.30am when I had to get up at 5.30 for the plane.
Things were pretty busy workwise, but we did manage to go to this cute little bar, the Reforma, where these old men were having a jamming session on their harmonicas. It was one of the best bar experiences I have ever had.

My only bad experience, was coming back through customs. Those asswipes think a civilian asking questions are grounds for an arrest! Idiots. I'd like to know when I have an hour to make my flight, why you seek the need to make my life a living hell.
I don't even care if you track me after this post. It's not like I have any intentions other than making my time in customs as fast as it can be. I've already filled out the comment card and you aren't getting a good review!
At least you'll never be able to take away from me the fantastic Puebla experience.

the lobby of La Purificadora

Reforma. Best bar ever

The volcano. I'd love to drop some customs people in the middle of this!

In case you wanted to know how Jews view Christmas

Except I don't know what this crap is about Chinese food.

The simple reason for my existence.

Why does this get funnier the more I watch it??
I don't think I'll ever tire from this baby.
How do I make it my ringtone?

Family Guy - What Really Grinds My Gears

I think it's the way he says "Ffffuck you!" and points at the viewing audience, because he is talking directly to them.
This is probably combined with my issues with the general american population at their inability and lack of sensitivity to so many things.

I crack up EVERY time....oh there it goes, I just did again.

Freak

There is a girl at my office who will not step on the cracks or old bits of petrified chewing gum.
The first time I saw it I asked her if she was trying to miss the cracks and she asked me how I knew?
Well, I knew because she looked like an absolute idiot analysing the floor underneath her feet.
Ever since then, when I see her, I tease her about it. It really isn't normal and I tease her because why not?!
I don't even know her name, she is just crazy cracked cracks girl.

One day she told me it wasn't just the cracks, she almost had this air of validity like this was even more justified. It was also the chewing gum stains on the floor.
Mental case.

I just saw her walk past my office, glance down and place her feet carefully in designated approved areas. I still can't believe the insanity.

Hey you, bitch! You mother fucker!

One weekend, I had a great weekend.
I lost or misplaced my debit card. I have no idea what. I cancelled it straight away. All I had was $30 to get me from Saturday night to Monday morning. I'd write a cheque at the bank on Monday and redeem some cash.

So the saturday night started with me hopping into a cab and paying about a $10 fare. I decided to jump out a bit early. Traffic in NY is a bit of a bitch. I walked maybe 4 blocks.
Getting out of the taxi, my door hit the cab next to me. No scratch, nothing, so I shut the door and left.

2 seconds later this Indian cabbie is screaming at me in his indian accent:
"Hey you! You broke my thing, get back here!"
I just told him nothing was wrong and kept on walking.
"hey bitch, come back here."

Then 5 seconds later, I feel a car sidling up next to me:
"Hey you, you mother fucker. You broke my taxi. Bitch, Stop. Stop!"
I just kept walking. Didn't look, didn't flinch.
He kept going "Hey you bitch, stop. Damn mother fucker, you are a mother fucker!"
I just looked at him with death stare. I couldn't believe he would go nuts over such a non event. I guess it's the New York mentality. You have to protect and ensure the integrity of everything under your control.

After this incident, I was walking down the street, happily thinking I didn't get killed and some doof behind me kicks off my shoe right into the street.
I turned around, said nothing and gave him death stare.
He ran to the street got my shoe and tried to put it back on my foot. That was a little too much. I grabbed my shoe and kept walking.

The other events from that night are pretty uneventful. Some annoying guy was annoying me so since he had given me his iPhone to look at, I emailed his mother saying:
"Mom, I think I'm gay"
The "I think" really gives it the power here. Think about it.

I left wherever I was. Tried to get a cab. Impossible.
Some randoms in a taxi pull up to me and ask if I need a lift. I say I'm only going up 20 blocks, same street and everything. I told them I'd get in if they promised not to rape me. They did and I got home safe and still had $20 to my name.

The next morning at breakfast, I don't know if I was fortunate enough to go through this ordeal. But there was a pube like hair in my eggs so I ended up with a free breakfast.
By sunday night, with $20 still intact, I blew my cash on a bunch of coffees for everyone who had helped me out over the weekend.
Then I went home to nap, content at my busy weekend.

Back from reality

I've taken a break from this virtual world for a bit. NYC is a little bit crazy, time kind of escapes you.
I do have all these blog entries floating around my head involving:

• The time a taxi driver called me a mother fucker
• The time some doof kicked my shoe off on to the street
• The time I lost my debit card and my last $20 lasted me a whole weekend because I kept on getting stuff for free (the above three were all in one weekend)
  
• Photos of my apartment and where I live
• The time I helped Mischa Barton and her dog
  

But, I am amazed at my blog hits. Simply because I have mentioned various pop culture topics such as

• 420 friendly
• How to dress like a slut on halloween
• The famous lindsay lohan crotch picture
• and apparently the search term "women doing shit"

My stats have skyrocketed. I have to do more of this pop culture referencing!

All those other posts, I'll make it my mission to accomplish this week.

My obsession with the freaky is not over

Holy Vishnu!

Look at this kid:


I think this is the most unbelievable genetic mutation I have EVER seen. And I've seen a few.
Beats the shit out of the 3 armed kid.

But the poor girl, she probably can't do much. And it's sad that they say in the article she wouldn't live past her teens if she kept all the limbs.

It turns out all the limbs belong to a parasitic twin with no head!

They are attached at the pelvis, in a mirror image of each other. The other twin has no head.
Freak-y!
Not only that, the girl was born on the celebration day of the four-armed Hindu goddess!
What are the odds?

But there is a nice resemblance:

Article

Halloween: How to dress like a slut

So I had my first American Halloween.
The fuckers absolutely love it.


It was a lot of fun- you get on the subway, walk down the street and everyone, and I mean everyone, is dressed up. We saw this giant penis on the street. He was just standing there like giant penises are an every day occurrence.

I did my old "rock bitch" outfit. Was a little bit of a cop out, but you know...I participated in the regulatory dress like a slut it's Halloween rule.

I love how you know something is true, and then a movie like Mean Girls comes along and just brings it out in the open:

Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.

Thank you Lindsay.

So, seriously, every costume that they sell in those shitty sex shops in Sydney (hey, who hasn't been in one), they sell as Halloween costumes in New York.

I also bumped into one Sara Ramirez, also known as Dr Torres in Grey's Anatomy. Someone said to me that a Grey's person was behind me, I turn around and actually goggled. She saw me do it. I then tapped her and apologised for looking at her like an object. She is after all a person and I am quite disturbed by the obsession with celebrity in this country.
Well, she really appreciated that. She was nice. And no I didn't get a photo. How could I after that exchange??
But here- pretend with this.

Feeling good about being aussie

You know, a few years ago, Australians had massive overseas envy. We just always seemed to feel second, even third best, at everything we attempted.
We just couldn't seem to achieve the same sort of professionalism that other countries seemed to possess.

Well now, I've worked out what it is.

Those other countries just had a confidence associated with their existing culture. Italy, France, America, England, Germans, Swiss - all of these countries have their own stereotypical qualities that their citizens exude.
When you have the national costume for each of these countries at the Miss Universe pageant, you know what each of these countries is going to where. What would Miss Australia inevitably wear?? A hat with corks on it?? Not really national attire.

Australia was never really sure of what they were as a culture. We only recently grew into the idea that our laid back, mateship, fun in the sun approach is actually a culture that we're proud of.

We don't need pretense, we don't need theatrics. We aren't jealous of anyone because we're happy with what we've got. All that envy has slipped away and it hasn't been a conscious evolution of thought, we just sort of stopped giving a shit. Which pretty much sums up the culture as well.

420 friendly?

Who would have thunk it?

Nearly every profile on Craig's list has the phrase "420 friendly". I'm confused.

So I asked one of the people I went to see what it meant:
"It means people smoke pot. Chapter 4, verse 20 of Genesis says 'And God made all the sweet smelling plants and herbs' "

So I took that and went with it.

Later I checked out Wikipedia. That wasn't it at all! It is definitely pot related.
A great way of coming up with slang. I'm quite jealous and then quite impressed that it went Nation wide.
Good one.

And Genesis, chapter 4, verse 20:
"And Ada brought forth Jabel: who was the father of such as dwell in tents, and of herdsmen."

The guy who told me the biblical thing is a douche.

The beauty of the Craig's List

I've been looking to move downtown.
I now have 2.5 weeks to find something. Great.

Trying to find an apartment in New York is so difficult.
The bastard agents are bigger bastards here and charge to find you an apartment. So the landlord gets shafted a fee and so does the agent.

Craig's List is an adventure in itself.
You have to find someone normal, you have to find a room that doesn't say "And please note you cannot stand up full height in this room as it is only 1.4m tall".
It's tough.

Some guy keeps posting this: $100 Superb offer if you are an open minded and adventurous woman and keeps getting taken down.

After seeing numerous, crazy dominatrix, or whatever random requests:

• Free rent in exchange for cooking/cleaning
• 1bdr for $200 and you have to sleep in my bed
• Looking for a woman
• I'm desperate
• Need a live in lover- someone who will pimp themselves because apartments in the city are fucking hard to find and people are desperate enough to offer themselves to me.

I decided to take a leap and write to one.
He wrote how he had a $700 room in a 2bdr and you wouldn't have to pay anything if you occasionally got naked.
I wrote to him and said "How about $350 for a bikini", he then wanted to see my picture.
I can't believe these people actually publish this shit for all to see.
Unreal.